Thex Factor – Big Band Week – ‘Let me go home’

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. There are judges and there are contestants
Louis Walsh is my favourite this year. He almost cried when John & Edward were booed, wailing ‘how dare you?’ at the audience like a drunk being asked to leave Somerfield. Simon Cowell is becoming increasingly hard to love, given his hyperbole and twin-hate, and the girls are also there. There are 9 acts left and they all have a pretty even share of my affections. Last year the show was OWNED by Diana then Beautiful Spanish Ruth, then Alex/Alexandra. This year, the best singer changes weekly and I only have a novelty act to feel invested in.

2. There was a shock bottom two
The congenial but mediocre girl group Miss Frank joined the greatest artist ever in the history of Simon Cowell’s short term memory, Danyl Johnson, in the bottom two. I can’t say I was bothered by this but I was shocked. Especially considering how bad Lloyd is and how no one likes Rachel. The good news is Danyl won’t win now. No winner has ever been in the bottom two, though runner-ups frequently have.

3. I fucking love Michael Bublé
He is a man of the people. He is squirmy and uncomfortable on stage. His looks are laughable, unphotographable. He went on American Idol a few years ago looking pissed to his gills. See? He’s just like us. He sings songs everyone knows and likes, such as Cry Me A River and Feelin’ Good. Sometimes he does silly arrangements, such as tonight, and makes everything sound like a Bond theme and in turn makes the listener feel like a superspy. It is very easy to get on board with Michael Bublé in all his gnome-eared, fug-faced glory. Westlife are harder to deal with and no supply of silly laser effects will change this. I like how their new song is a Daughtry cover. I suppose it makes life cheaper if you cover your boss’s other artists on your boss’s TV show.

On with the rankings….

1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘She bangs! She bangs!’
Oh I’m still not sick of John & Edward and they completely deserve this top place, despite some stiff competition this week.
The Grimes VT made me laugh audibly, which was a good warm-up for their performance. Bublé doesn’t pretend they’re vocalists and instead advises they ‘dance their little butts off.’ Oh Bublé, you big flirt. Simon Cowell pretends he wants them to leave even though they’re helping ratings no end and last week Simon said he’d rather they stayed than the boring people. Simon is rubbish this year.
The Grimes showmen come to stage from the audience (as did the just-as-hammy Rhydian a few years ago) in bright pink and lime green suits. They sing Ricky Martin to a gaggle of dancers tramping around in their pants on a high stage. At one point, the twins’ “dance routine” involves them spitroasting a dancer; at another, they are straddled, and kind of get bummed, by a woman with clearly loose morals. At times things get very innocent and they do the Saturday Night Fever arm-point: they remind us here that they are virgins who share a bedroom and have serious self-awareness issues and remind us they are not latin sex bombs. Let it also be known that there are giant balloons with arms and the Grimes’ faces printed on them. There is a key change to make Westlife envious also. Louis laughs the whole time and dances in his chair. Louis wins the series’ highest single awarding of cool points for this. I will give him 7 I think.
Dannii is torn because they can’t sing but give a great performance. You’d think this would appeal to a Minogue. Cheryl calls them a guilty pleasure and Simon says it’d be rubbish on radio. Well, yes Simon, but this is a TV show. And no one will listen to Olly, Danyl and Jamie on the radio in a year so shush. One of the twins looks very sad but one of the twins also looks sad when they’re booed. I just wish I knew if it was the same twin every week.

2. LUCIE – ‘Big girls, they don’t cry-y-y-y-y’
On Lucie’s VT her parents call her a slob and an overeater. Ha! Michael Buble says ‘beautiful, kid’ to Lucie because he thinks ‘kid’ is a cool term of address that only the most swinging cats can use. I still fucking love Michael Buble but I can’t be bothered putting the accent in his name every time. Forgive me, Michael! Buble also worries she’ll oversing it which becomes good advice when you watch it but at the time seemed very obvious. Both Dannii and Yvie think she’s got the perfect song to show off her voice.
And they’re right. She sings My Funny Valentine and sounds gorgeous. It’s very subtle but still has runs and whistles. The ear dances because every time you think she’ll yell or ruin it she instead pulls it back, coos and sighs. There is a bit too much wailing towards the end but there has to be some wailing on this show.
Louis says it was incredible and Cheryl says it ‘was all over your face.’ Maybe that’s Newcastle for something because it makes no sense. Simon says it was an actress’s performance and Louis yells at him for talking jive. Simon looks sheepish and gives up because he knows he’s been caught trolling. Lucie looks disappointed and rightly so. That was the best vocal of the live shows this year and she deserved 4 good comments.

3. JAMIE – ‘It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife’
Or a rock song when it’s not rock week ‘til November. Let this song choice be the third piece of evidence that Simon is off his game this year.
Jamie’s VT recaps his inexplicably-praised Christina cover and then Buble chips in with some new inexplicable praise for Jamie’s ‘unique style.’ It’s not unique in a 70s-themed brothel. Quiet down, MB. There is then some song change drama whereby the always-right Simon realised he’d chosen the wrong song and gave Jamie 24 hours to learn a new one. 24 hours to learn a two-minute cover? This is impossible, yes?
Well no. Jamie is a pro of sorts and manages to not forget the lyrics to a U2 song with very few lyrics. My problem with Jamie is that he’s not a rock-star, not even by this show’s standards. He’s not a soul singer either. He’s a wimpy man with a wimpy voice whose saving grace is he can growl and shout in tune. I enjoyed this performance but that’s because he got to growl and shout most of it and not because he’s anything special.
Louis calls bullshit that Jamie’s ignored the theme and isn’t doing a Big Band song. Dannii says there was less magic. They’re both right. The worrying thing is Simon refuses to acknowledge this and thinks Jamie will sail through to the finals because he likes him. His betting odds, and Jamie’s only okay performances, say otherwise.


4. JOE – ‘And I despise that I adore you’
Or despise that I can stand you. Either way, Joe has grown on me in a way that the annoying grinning teenage X Factor contestants of previous years never could. Compare Joe to Quigg or Quinn and you’ll see what I mean.
Joe’s VT is about what a nice person he is. Meh. And also features Buble telling Joe he has to be sexy. Both Buble and Louis Walsh tell us that Joe is definitely not sexy. Ha! Well, not compared to them.
When the intro to Sway began I LOLd. Joe is even less of a Latin sex God than the Grimes brothers. At least they have the right parts. Joe starts off meek and weak and grins inanely in the hopes this will make him sexy. There are no women on stage which make little sense considering it’s a seduction number. The dancing is good and Joe is game. His weird phrasing really irks me when he sings ‘violins’ though. Not as good as last week but it was fine.
Louis praises Joe for being nice backstage and Dannii praises his snakehips. Simon says he needs to be more modern and credible. Joe takes this graciously and will no doubt do a Script song next week to show us how modern and credible he is.

5. DANYL – ‘At first I was afraid, I was petrified’
Massive gay Danyl’s VT is informative as we learn his Mum has a perfectly normal speaking voice. Which makes Danyl’s rugger-bugger hyper-articulate whisper all the odder. I’ve never heard masterclass pronounced with three long As. Buble speaks here but says little. I suppose boring attracts boring.
Danyl does Feeling Good, undoubtedly because Simon liked when the gay off Idol did it a few months and also because someone does this song every year. Rumours he’s doing the Muse arrangement prove false as he’s doing Buble’s weird Bond theme arrangement instead. Danyl pulls very odd faces when he sings, almost like he’s about to cough up a hairball rather than another overblown, meaningless yell, and has the eyes of a furby. He’s also doing a Nina Simone impression and singing through the nose of someone in the Deep South. Or like he’s a guitar being tuned. It’s irritating and unpleasant but is well-sung.
In the bottom two, Danyl repeats his audition song. Pretty much note for note. It’s as interesting as hearing a boring singer cover the same song for the second time can be. He’s kept in because he’s 'an amazing singer.' Really? Simon looks a little defeated by Danyl’s failure and hints on The Xtra Factor it could be to do with bad press. Yes, Simon, that’s it. None of us worked out Danyl is a tool ourselves.

6. RACHEL – ‘Get a pedicure, get your hair did’
Comeback queen Rachel humbly tells us in her VT she’s amazed she’s always in the bottom two as she’s a great person and a great singer. We see clips from last week of her being rubbish then better then saved. Her tantrum last week is handily edited out.
She’s doing ‘Proud Mary.’ Ha! Maybe she’s coming out? Her hair is flattened and her dress is cheap but it’s a huge aesthetic improvement from the Sgt Pepper’s Always Going To Be Lonely Hearts Club jacket she’s been wearing before. Vocally, she’s not doing the foghorn bit either and sounds much better. The wailing is impressive and expressive and, just to please Louis, she’s having a little dance too.
Louis loves it and begs the public to vote for her. Simon praises her for not whining and improving instead. Rachel then does a very good Stacey impression to appear more likable and win votes. It is very odd to watch and not ingratiating. The quality of the performance, ropey as it was, saves her anyway.

7. STACEY – ‘Waiting for a star to a fall’
Stacey’s VT is as charming as ever as she weeps for her adorable son. She also does a brilliant Buble impression. Hats off to Dagenham!
If only the performance were as good. It starts off very pleasantly: she’s singing When You Wish Upon A Star which is one of the best from the Disney canon. She has wide hips and shimmies gently. She has the best singing voice out of this rabble (NB singing voice, not shouting voice) but it’s still kind of dull. Her wide hips and shimmying dancing is not enough to stop it being dull. Or robotic or lifeless. Then she yells and it’s sharp and unnecessary. I don’t know we’ve got a season full of yellers but we do. Note to contestants, Leona and Alexandra did not yell. They sang well.
Louis says it was an emotional performance, which is the only time I disagreed with Louis tonight. Cheryl says it wasn’t her best but that Stacey is ‘a great girl.’ Simon says she just stood there and needs to perform. Maybe she should do She Bangs. I’d like to see a singer try it too.

8. OLLY – ‘Zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzzz’
I will give fifty p to anyone who can work out what song the above lyrics are taken from.
Olly and Buble get on very well, as two men with melting faces and giant ears are bound to do. Buble says Olly’s song is ‘not on one of the most popular songs of all time’ which is quite a diss considering Buble only ever sings the most popular songs of all time.
He sings Bewitched and there are slutty dancers with party hats on. He wears braces and ‘dances’ with gammy legs. The singing is fine though his tine is still thin and odd. He is charismatic though and throws in lots of ‘heys’ and ‘hoos’ for good measure. This is not modern in any way.
The judges love it and Louis is full of praise for the dancing. They speak of growth and craft. I didn’t hate it and I should hate it. My worry remains that he’ll win. He is a lot like Leon.

9. MISS FRANK – ‘Come into the world, spice up your life’
Miss Frank are doing That’s Life again which I knew was a mistake. No one wants a repeat, not this early on in the game. Buble did an awesome cover of this song with anonymous girl band wailing but doesn’t share this fact with the girls. He’s a humble man. Cheryl has doubts about a repeat and there are clichés abound with talk of making, breaking and capturing magic.
Graziella has a truncheon slash umbrella which is all too A Clockwork Orange for me. The band completely drown the girls out and the rap is amateur and doesn’t fit with the song at all. It’s slow and not in Spanish like their best raps. There are also judge references in the lyrics, which is so lame it’s like they’re in a school play and they’re rapping about the headmaster.
The judges rave about the rap and Simon says they look less rough this week. He likes that they’re humble and gracious. As we all do. The judges beg the public to vote for him, almost as if they know what’s coming. Louis shakes his head when the girls speak and it’s unclear why.
In the bottom two, Miss Frank win some cool points singing an obscure-ish Madonna song. It’s not really a song to show off your voice as you’d expect from a Madonna song. They shove a rap in this song as a contingency plan but it’s all too late. The judges cannot agree on the evictee and Miss Frank are kicked out for having the fewest public votes. I am sad about this as I think Miss Frank have more potential post-show than Danyl and I also really wanted to see them sing En Vogue one week.

10. LLOYD – ‘Should I stay or should I go now?’
Lloyd should go. I am over him.
In his VT, we learn he was embarrassed to sing. I bet he was on the Basketball team and Vanessa Hudgens brought out his love of singing and he learned he could be in both groups and still have great hair. Lloyd’s sister has a funny accent a great deal more personality. Buble says Lloyd should enjoy himself when he sings. I suppose it’s unlikely we’ll enjoy it too whatever happens so that’s reasonable advice. Simon says Lloyd better not do something obvious like Fly Me To The Moon.
Lloyd sings Fly Me To The Moon and it’s rubbish. He has no range, no flair, no tone. It’s uncomfortable to hear Lloyd’s thick monotone nudging against notes rather than hitting them. It’s also uncomfortable to watch Lloyd be that uncomfortable on stage. Lloyd does a backflip and it livens things up but is completely inappropriate. I know this song well, as we all do, but when sung by Lloyd you can’t even tell what the lyrics are. He’s so shit he’s not fit.
Louis says Big Band is not Lloyd’s thing. Oh, what is? He also says Lloyd should be in a boy band, presumably because there’ll be less singing that way. Simon tells him to be more confident. Dermot brats and tells the judges to give Lloyd a break. Simon quite reasonably retorts that the judges don’t have to be nicer and that Lloyd should just be better. In a way I’m looking forward to seeing his epic fail during Rock Week. But it’s so boring when he’s actually on stage fucking up. John & Edward got a lot of flack because it’s a singing competition and they can’t sing but Olly and Lloyd are pretty bad too. Only they have the "likability factor" and "the look" respectively. I know who I'd rather watch though. It's not a singing competition while Lloyd and Olly are still around. (And it'll be no fun when Grimes and Grimes are kicked off.)