Thex Factor – Live Shows 1 – ‘And through it all, she offers me protection’

These are the salient facts before we begin….

1. We have judges and they have contestants
Louis Walsh looks after the groups and wants to fuck two of their number but no more. Simon Cowell looks after the oldies: all pretty annoying, pretty past it and pretty much not pretty enough to be popstars. Cheryl Cole looks after three big butch men and Dannii Minogue looks after three good girls who could probably drink Cheryl’s boys under the table. This week, Louis was calm, Cheryl and Simon bickered and Dannii was rude to sluts and queers. Who knew she was so conservative?

2. There is a guest columnist this week
This week's guest columnist is called Matt who you may remember from last year. I love when I can get all "Previously on Thex Factor..." I feel like I have my own TV show not just a blog about one! And there will be guest columnists future weeks. Please e-mail, facebook or leave a comment if you would like to "get involved."

3. It was “musical heroes” week
Except most of the contestants did Robbie Williams songs. And the contestants didn’t pick their own songs, or we assume nominate their own musical heroes, as I doubt Robert Palmer features too highly on Kandy Rain’s list of inspirations. I smell foul play here – perhaps there were some clearance issues with Robbie’s songs because it was clearly Robbie Williams week with some extra songs. Robbie gave little constructive advice and looked uncomfortable throughout. At least Gary Barlow told people off last year. When Robbie performed his new single, he was dreadful. In terms of song choice (or perhaps just song) and vocal, he was worse than any of the top 12. His dancing is of the standard of an Olly Murs lookalike at a bar mitzvah. He also kept interrupting his song to talk to the audience or the judges. If he was auditioning, Simon would say Robbie has picked up ‘some bad habits.’
[I missed most of Robbie’s performance on account of NOTHING HAPPENING in the first half hour on Sunday . What little I did see was bizarre. In the interests of keeping things libel-free, my only observation is that he did a very good impression of a man on crack - Matt]

4. And the Lord God said on the FIRST week, a woman born of man will be eliminated
It happens every year. Someone with a vagina goes home first. Even season three’s first eliminees, The Unconventionals, had at least one member without a member.
[Oh there was at least one cunt involved in The Unconventionals. - Matt]

5. The eliminations now happen on a Sunday
And I’m not too bothered about this change. Now the single best show I’ve ever seen (sorry, Simon) is on two nights a week! A boring, back-to-work Sunday was livened up by Alexandra whoring around with Flo Rida. And by a weird eulogy to Stephen Gately which was very weirdly followed up by a group number about how the top 12 were going to a cool party. Perhaps the cool party is the wake or perhaps the editing is quite insensitive. Robbie sang and was gash, Dannii apologised for being a bigot (more on that later) and Simon stood up for her. Then there was the usual ‘the next act who’ll sing again next week is…’ business. It was a good hour.



On with the rankings….

1. STACEY – ‘The best is yet to come and babe won’t it be fine?’
Stacey can be disappointing and still rank first. Why is this? How is this possible? And it’s not just because this was a night where no one was dreadful and no one was great. It’s more than that and I’ll tell you using some homosexual trivia: do you remember that stupid bit in Sex and the City where Aidan had made some furniture and tells us about how wood is more beautiful because it’s flawed. Well, the same is true of Stacey. She is awesome as oak and her imperfect wailing is more beautiful than the technically accurate cruiseship squeaks of Danyl and Lucie.
Her VT is charming as she giggles and gasps and omgs in Robbie Williams’s wishes-he-was-drunk presence. Dannii Minogue says she’s fallen in love with Stacey, which would explain why Dannii suddenly has dyke biker hair. I have fallen in love with Stacey too but it hasn’t affected my hairdo one bit. My hair, like Stacey’s, has never looked better.
Stacey sings a boring Coldplay song. (I know that sounds like a tautology but I think Coldplay have two or three not-boring songs and just as many less-boring songs) The performance is unsurprisingly a little boring and a little whiney but that’s only because it’s a whiney, boring song. Trouble would’ve been better. The Scientist is a dirge. Stacey sings with a pleasant tone and there are some flourishes. I know I don’t sound full of praise but this is the only song from this evening that I’d listen to a studio version of.
The judges say Stacey is lovely, that the performance was good and Simon says she’s better in a lower key. All these things are true.
[In many ways, this was the most disappointing performance of the night. One of the few decent singers had to work with a boring song by a boring band in a shoddy arrangement. There wasn’t much she could do with it. Mind you, she is fun in a let’s-laugh-at-the-blonde-Jew-girl kinda way - Matt]

2. DANYL – ‘Have some of column A, try all of column B’
Big bender Danyl’s VT focused on how Simon has picked a ridiculous song for him, which really is for a woman, and how it was a big risk. I was expecting a big anticlimax like he’d do Without You but I was wrong.
He’s singing And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going and begins with steely bedroom eyes. I laughed audibly and took a good thirty seconds to compose myself. I lold and rofld. It made Danyl look like a big drag queen and I can’t help but feel this song was done much better by that fat woman at Boot Camp. (What was her name? Her father was dead, yes? It feels easier to just forget her now.) [No idea about the name, but I liked her. She looked like she was having a fit during that performance. – Matt] The glory notes were good and the audience go batshit crazy but I know this was not the big “moment” that Simon wanted.
The judges’ comments were far more interesting. Louis says Danyl lacks likability which is true and also: Ha! Cheryl says he’s overconfident and hasn’t won yet. Danyl must be a dick backstage because the judges were pretty nice to everyone else, especially in terms of personality. Simon says it was one of the greatest performances he’d ever heard. Or, second best on an iffy night but we all rank differently. Dannii then makes some rubbish joke about how it’s not a stretch for Danyl to sing a girl’s song because we’ve read in the papers that he’s a massive fruit. Danyl says ‘I’m not ashamed’ and The X Factor becomes very briefly an 80s issues drama until Dermot comes on stage and the whole business is forgotten. I suppose after years of Louis and Simon telling each other on our screens ‘You’ve dropped your gay card,’ and the other replying ‘Nah, it’s yours’, this was bound to happen.
[The sad thing was, that was by far the most interesting moment of the show. A bad weekend for the gays between that and Stephen Gately. – Matt]

3. LUCIE – ‘I’m just a girl who can’t say no’
Did you know Lucie is a girl from a small town in Wales? I think this has been mentioned before but only in passing. They haven’t made a big deal about it so it would be easy to forget. Lucie is singing Leona because either she or Dannii cannot think of a subtler way to copy this show’s most successful contestant. Also, Simon has a writing credit on it so he’ll have to be nice about the performance.
Lucie’s performance is full of buts. It’s fine but it’s not great. It’s well sung but the big notes escape her. It’s probably the cleanest vocal of the night to but the most interesting thing about the performance is that the wind machine keeps blowing her hair into her mouth. Meh.
Simon says that Leona is all about hitting the notes, which is faint praise I think, and that Lucie’s not as good. Louis quite rightly says that Leona took a few weeks to hit her stride and Simon says “err you were watching a different show then” which is almost as toolish as “you’ve dropped your gay card.”
[She’s quite good, but I don’t think she’s a popstar, as Louis might say. I’d rather have seen Stacey S Club 8 go through to the finals. Not that she can sing particularly well, but, if I can bring back a much missed phrase from chavvy contestants a few years ago, she could have been the next X Factor. Lucie I can see going out midway through the series and being forgotten – Matt]

4. MISS FRANK – ‘I need me some ghetto romance’
I have so much time for Miss Frank. Personality-wise, they are approaching Stacey’s level of awesomeness.
Their VT reminds us that they were forced together during bootcamp but instead of whinging they say it’s nice to have someone else to support you during the stress. They tell us they like their jobs but they’d rather be singers. See, these are normal people. There’s no “it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted and that my dead Dad wanted for me.” Miss Frank have goals and perspective. Robbie Williams gives them the ‘advice’ that they need to make us forget they were recently manufactured. Which would work if we hadn’t seen them being manufactured on TV a few weeks ago and if we weren’t reminded of this by the editors every time they’re on screen.
For a wonderful second I think they’re doing En Vogue but sadly they’re doing the Michael Jackson song that En Vogue sampled. It’s a dull song that’s been trotted out at least three times this year on Simon Cowell-fronted shows. It’s a bit shrill and muted too. If this performance was homework, I’d write ‘can do better. See me.’ I was however thrilled to learn that Graziella gets roars from the audience when she starts singing.
The judges are positive. Cheryl says they’re her favourite group but she thinks the twins are dicks and Kandy Rain are tramps so that’s not saying much. Simon says it was good but refers to two of the group as “bookends” and makes a point of saying he doesn’t know their names. It’s cruel and unnecessary and the girl looks defeated after. I think the bookends are ace.
[I don't know why Simon would admit to not knowing their names...he didn't know Olly's age either - Olly, HIS OWN CONTESTANT! - Matt]
[It might not be Simon's fault. Olly looks like he's been 25 for a long, long while - Thex]

5. JOE – ‘A working class hero is something to be’
On his VT, Joe says he lives in the top floor flat of a terrace. I don’t know why he thinks he’s on The Home Show. What are the floors like, Joe? Are you going to spruce the place up with some gorgeous fabric?
He sings my favourite Robbie song (No Regrets) and it’s not that bad. I’m as surprised as you that I’ve put this grinning moron in the top 5 of my rankings. The vocal is ok and he’s not thrown off by the horribly out-of-tune backing singer. His accent still annoys me though: ‘togeth-oh’ was the one that made me scratch skin off my arms. He doesn’t have the angst in his voice for the song’s content either. Maybe he thinks the song is about having No Regrets about anything ever because life is made up of naps, ice cream and puppies? Maybe he can’t understand Robbie Williams’s subtle sarcastic nuance? Either way, I’m not as angry about this performance as I thought I would be and I am willing to give Joe another shot. I still didn’t enjoy it though. Let’s get that much clear.
[Joe would be perfect as the 4th most important member of a boy band who can sing a bit, but he just doesn’t have the charisma to be a solo artist. That way I wouldn't have to look at his face every week for the next two months. I really hope Lloyd steals his target audience. - Matt]

6. JAMIE AFRO – ‘Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar’
Jamie’s VT is about how old and past it he is. This is ‘his last shot.’ Jamie is 34 and The X Factor makes out he’s almost dead. Possibly so they don’t have to admit he has many more years of failure to look forward to. Robbie says Jamie is a better singer than him, which is entirely true and entirely irrelevant. Robbie’s excellent advice is to be less boring at the beginning of songs and instead to ‘grab ‘em and keep ‘em there.’
Jamie takes this advice on board and bleats through a T Rex track. He looks desperate and lost. And I mean literally lost. He wanders around the stage with dead eyes as if he’s lost his glasses and can’t find the right platform for his train. There is a good end note though and then a silly fireworks display because his mentor Simon does not believe in playing fair.
Dannii says ‘go the fro’ and calls Louis ‘Miss Walsh’ because she’s clearly in no control of the words leaving her mouth tonight. Simon says Jamie is in a different league to the others. I don’t get it.
[Is this what Tabby was like in X Factor 1? Being 'rock' on this show is ill advised. Louis pretending to be a ma-hussive T Rex fan was hilarious though. Jamie confuses me, I would like someone to confirm his ethnicity, so we know where we stand, so to speak. - Matt]
[You should ask on a forum. I bet you'll get a lot of eye-roll emoticons - Thex]

7. RICCKY – ‘Girls who wants boys who dig girls like they’re boys’
On his VT, he says he wants audiences who’ll appreciate him more than the old men who go to old men’s pubs. He also needs to connect with the audience (which might be achieved if he was a better singer) and cry less.
I know there was a lot of chitter chatter about Danyl singing a girl’s song but at least someone thought through the song lyric changes. Ricciky’s cover was bizarre.
He sings Winehouse and changes the lyric ‘kept his dick wet’ to ‘kept her er et.’ He also vows to get on without his guy. This is not the only reason why him covering Winehouse didn’t work. He is far too bouncy – both visually and vocally – for such a bleak song. The glory notes are half-hearted too. It’s all a bit limp and if you’re doing Winehouse, you have to commit. Hope turned this track into a Phil Spector girl band wall-of-sound thing a few years ago and that was brilliant so it’s not a matter of some songs or artists being out of bounds. It’s just a matter of Ricckiy being poor.
[He doesn't connect at all. My money is on him to go next week. - Matt]

8. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘I can’t live if living is without you’
John and Edward tell us they are from a small town in Ireland called Dublin. Robbie Williams says they’re endearing and charming. I’m not sure which of these sentences is faker. Their VT focuses on the ‘hurtful things’ being written about them and how rubbish they are. Note, these things are ‘hurtful’ but no one is claming they are untrue.
I was really hoping they’d do Rudebox but their choice of Rock DJ is just as funny. The song doesn’t give one the opportunity to show off vocally. In addition, it’s barely a song. It’s a bizarre choice but it does remind me of summer holidays before I could drink though so I’m not mad at it. The choreography is ridiculous and they wear contrasting suits. One twin is more attractive than the other. I barely notice the singing but it is clear that Rock DJ is too big for them. When you can’t whiteman rap the verses of Rock DJ in tune, there are problems here that cannot be fixed quickly. That said, at least it was funny.
The audience boo them before and after to which I say: Ha! Dannii Minogue says they’re bad singers and Cheryl Cole says they’re brave for coming on stage despite the criticism. She adds ‘you can’t sing – fact’ but kindly says it’s not their fault they’re still on the show. I loathe passive aggressive women. Simon says they’re only here because they’re Irish which is unfair. They’re only here because Louis wants one twin in each hole. One twin grins, the other twin realises how much they’re hated and looks sad.
[John and Edward serve a real purpose on the show at this stage. Sure, they’re dangerously underqualified to be here, but with the show stretching over two hours we need some kind of break from the competition proper. They’ll stay until the Top 6 maybe, when only the real talent is left. Their ‘Rock DJ’ was the liveliest moment of the show, even if they did both run out of breath in the second verse. Good song choice though – cover the lack of talent with a spoken verse, and then double up on the vocals for the chorus. Their contribution to the group song on Sunday was the best of all the contestants, FACT! - Matt]

9. OLLY – ‘I can take it on the chin and say boys will be boys’
What is the matter with this show? Or with me? Why are “hot str8 blojob twins”, Joe the future headliner of Guys and Dolls at Croydon Rec Centre and Olly Murs ranked so high?
Olly clearly didn’t get the memo it wasn’t Robbie week anymore as in his VT we learn he’s singing a Robbie song. Even though Olly, Simon and other people think this is a bad idea. He’s singing boring Robbie too, not funny Robbie or good Robbie. He’s nervous too, we learn, which shows at least some self-awareness. He should be nervous. He’s bad.
Watching it makes me nervous, even though it’s an easy song. The falsetto is ok and then it’s not. Bits are girly and weak; bits are better than expected. He crouches and dances during a ballad. He does RnB inflections and splits his vowels. Watching him is like watching a tight rope performer who you really want to fall off because he slept with your wife or is just a tool. He never quite falls to my chagrin and his credit.
[In this analogy, Olly's tightrope would only be a metre off the floor. - Matt]
Louis Walsh calls him the boy next door. I don’t even think this is code for average. I think Louis is being sincere. The girls says Olly’s nice and should have lots of friends. Simon says he’s charming but not the best singer. Half-right there. [I honestly think he's the worst. And far from being nice, I get this sly, creepy vibe from him, like he might slip something in your drink if you're an Essex girl in a tacky nightclub - Matt]

10. LLOYD – ‘You’re fit but my gosh don’t you know it’
Lloyd would rank twelfth if he was ugly. He would rank first if he could sing like Danyl or, if I’m being very honest, Joe.
In his VT, Lloyd tells us he lives in a three-bedroom terrace house. Why are they so into property details this week. How many bathrooms are there, Lloyd? Is the loft insulated? Brian Friedman says rehearsals with Lloyd were a disaster. Because they didn’t end in a blowy? It can’t be like that after every rehearsal, Brian.
Lloyd takes on Justin Timberlake for no good reason. The arrangement of Cry Me A River is fucking cool. It starts off with an acoustic guitar and then breaks into the shuffly Timbaland backing. It’s just a shame that the vocals are so, so bad. He is flat and nervous. He mimes a phone during the ‘call me on the phone’ like he’s not singing on my favourite show and is instead on a lads’ night out at a mucky club. He barely sings the chorus and at one terrifying point hoots like an owl.
The judges go easy on him. Simon says it was ‘stiff at times.’ No one mentions the poor quality of the singing.
[I read somewhere that Lloyd “looks like someone put all of McFly into a blender”. I’m all for that idea but his voice is probably a year or two away from where it should be. There are nice moments but as Alicia Silverstone might say, it’s only sporadically. Mind you, he did almost make me like that Jason Mraz song at judges homes. In any case, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for an admittedly unlikely Tom Jones week, it’d be fun to see him do Delilah. - Matt]


11. KANDY RAIN – ‘You’re calling her a hooker? Let he without sin cast the first stone’
Louis Walsh tells us Kandy Rain are here for all the boys. Not boys like him, other boys. On their VT we learn Kandy Rain have real jobs now but used to be strippers. Simon helpfully says it doesn’t matter they used to be strippers but it matters that they’re bad singers. Robbie Williams says they’re ace and dances. I’m going to stop saying ace now. I’m going to say mint instead. There is sobbing on the VT because they were shit during sound check. They’re such cannon fodder and it’s a shame as they showed promise in Italy last week.
They’re doing Robert Palmer because Robert Palmer is undoubtedly their musical hero and should be yours too. They’re doing the famous Robert Palmer song, not the one I like about having a bad case of lovin’ you. ‘Doctor, Doctor.’ That one. The good one. They look like big whores. One has horns made out of hair.
[I thought it was meant to be like a Playboy bunny? Who knows.. - Matt]
They are wearing black leather and fishnets. One has a terrifying thin face, like a cavewoman being stabbed. The backing vocal is loud but conceals nothing. It’s not the worst but the song choice is not current or relevant or hip.
Dannii saucily puns ‘Kandy, reign it in’ and tells them to dress less like strippers if they want us to forget they’re strippers. Fair point. Cheryl agrees and Simon does not. Louis says they look good and nothing else, which completely proves the girls’ point that the group aren’t being taken seriously as singers dressed like that. The controversy, and the potential pity votes, was the only thing that could keep them from the bottom two. It could not.
[Maybe Kandy Rain dressing like strippers is the fashion equivalent of when Jay Z said: “Niggaz actin' like I sold you crack / Like I told you sell drugs...no...
Hove did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that.” - Matt]
They sing Fighter by Christina Aguilera in the bottom two and it is rotten. Their faces are more terrifying than ever. The singing is just as bad. They are wearing the same horrid outfits, with hair for horns, and the vaguely pretty one has given up singing altogether.
Simon says they’ve not been given a fair shot and votes to keep them in. I half-agree with this: the odds were stacked against them but if they’d performed well and dressed better they’d have been fine. The jury is hung and so Miss Frank are eliminated because they got fewer votes than Rachel. Perhaps four to her seven?

12. RACHEL – ‘And if I’m ugly then so are you’
How the mighty have fallen. Rachel ranked second last week as I’d been very impressed with her later auditions. I didn’t see her as a winner though. This show is not as accepting of the diva as those Alexandra and Leona wins would make you think. Just remember, Journey South beat Brenda, Eoghan beat Beautiful, Spanish Ruth, Chico beat Maria and Ray Quinn beat almost everyone his year.
Her VT is a formality and her cover of Let Me Entertain You is a failure from the start. Her mic is not working, or she’s lipsynching, because every line has a strange, uncertain echo. She’s doing a karaoke song which has been rearranged slightly: not in a way that makes it more interesting, just in a way that makes it slightly less familiar and ergo even more confusing and unpalatable. The vocals are harsh and she woo hoos for no good or Christian reason.
The judges are full of praise. Louis likes that she can dance. Simon enjoyed it but also calls her Miss Nobody and says her make up’s shit. I don’t know why the judges aren’t as disappointed as I am. Watching this, as the first performance of the night and the worst performance of the night, I thought bottom two for certain. I was perhaps the only one who called it as her betting odds were good and the judges were surprised to see her in the bottom two.
She sang ‘Nobody Knows’ by Pink in the bottom two, which she’d sung last week for Dannii. A repeat this early is a bad, bad sign. She is clearly upset and her voice cracks and she misses lots of lyrics trying not to cry. It’s clear that she’s a better singer than many but she performed badly twice this weekend. When Joe outsings you, you and your voice, you got issues.
[Rachel got everything wrong Saturday. I was worried about her before the results show. Granted, it’s not her fault she was on first on Saturday, but the song didn’t fit at all, and I’ll be frank about this, she needs to wear something more revealing. Or at least a top that doesn’t make me imagine an ice dancer from the early ‘80s. - Matt]