These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is George Michael week
Except without George Michael mentoring, or singing. Weird. I suppose they’ve already had a diva week which would be a logical theme when Mariah and SuBo (who were both awesome) are on. And I’m not complaining as this week’s theme gives me so very many opportunities to make fun of Danyl’s abhorrent lifestyle. That’s if I can control my nausea.
2. The X Factor is not a singing competition
And it never has been. People are going on about this because of John & Edward. Forgetting that Lloyd and Olly really aren’t that much better and that most of the world’s most successful pop artists (Britney, Mariah, Kylie) don’t prioritise vocals. The X Factor is a circus. Sometimes, it’s a wonderful circus full of talented people like Leona and Alex: the amazing horsewoman and the bearded tranny. Even though the right people won those years, it was still a circus. Sometimes, it’s a circus clown show with John & Edward getting bummed by dancers to Ricky Martin or Rhydian doing Shirley Bassey in chinchilla fur. And that’s fun too. There would be nothing more boring than a straight singing competition: hearing Stacey bleat and Danyl scream is fun for no one. A straight singing competition would have them do ballads every week, with no dancers whorish or otherwise, and showing off every run and hackneyed gulp. Viva la circus! And leave John and Edward alone, spoilsports.
On with the rankings…
1. DANYL – ‘I know you want to but you can’t say yes’
Morally deformed and anally ravaged contestant Danyl is introduced by Simon with the lovely praise ‘no frills.’ I think Simon means it as a compliment sort of but still: ha! Danyl is so the Basics Range of Diva. In his VT, he has a very spotty forehead. Has this always been the case? Maybe I’ve been too focused on his irritating voice and pancake eyes to tell. Danyl promises in a car on his way home that the trip will give him a chance ‘to be normal.’ Oh Danyl, it’s not a magic car. Going back to Reading won’t stop you from being deviant and kind of a tosser. We meet his “housemate” and a lot of other men he lives with. Well then. We learn Danyl’s doing a song everyone knows and this could be a problem.
Except I don’t recognise it for a good twenty seconds because it’s been stripped of the backing and of any melody. He’s doing Careless Whisper with just a repeated piano note, kind of like a metronome but less grating, as backing. The singing is pretty great and that twang is a lot less noticeable. He screams twice which is a welcome change from the usual one long scream. He manages to shove a lot of words into a tiny space. It’s a little scary but it’s impressive. Funereal and weird. Butch but soft. Subtle and ridiculous. I loathe Danyl and everything he stands for but he was easily the best on Saturday night.
Dannii loved it (but doesn’t share her wishes he’d done Outside). Louis says he was trying too hard, which is true but hard to accept from the man giving John & Edward ghosts to bust on stage. Cheryl said he was flat and the bare performance made this worse. Simon snits and doesn’t understand how that was trying too hard. Because Simon doesn’t understand musical nuance. Sometimes singing ‘unplugged’ is trying too hard when you oversing like that fairy does and when you’re desperately trying to make a point. There is mention of the recent press rumours that Danyl not only lives for cock but is one. These rumours are not strongly denied by anyone.
2. LLOYD – ‘Well I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body’
Lloyd is on first because everyone’s clearly given up on him. His VT also skips his very good Paolo Nutini cover. (Oh I would shave my area with a blunt razor to hear someone cover Pencil Full of Lead!) Lloyd’s visit home features both mountains and word art banners in corner shops. I love Wales. Lloyd is stopped by about two people and is amazed that being followed around by cameras attracts attention. They won’t be coming up to him in January. His family are lovely and Welsh just like we’ve been shown in Gavin & Stacey. His song this week may be tricky as he’ll have to breathe! Yvie is concerned. He promises to sing ‘harder’ than ever though I think we’d all settle for ‘better.’
And he’s doing Faith. Ha! I once sung this at Christian summer camp and forgot the words and in a very real but unintentional way profaned a Church. Fun times. Lloyd’s hair looks awesome and he is now ridiculously hot. A career in twink porn beckons and all it took was some wax! Moley fathead Olly Murs is no longer the hottie of this competition and I must say this is a relief. The singing is good, and not just relatively. There is an impressive and only slightly silly falsetto bit at the end. But it works as a little final flourish, unlike Danyl’s scream which is boring and gets in the way. Lloyd is learning the trick behind X Factor: putting slightly silly notes in almost silly places! He also moves around the stage like he’s not hating every minute.
Dannii says he looks fantastic and Louis too loves the new hair. He doesn’t like his voice and repeats Lloyd is out of his depth. Simon says it was ‘not bad’ and that Lloyd ‘stepped up.’ Cheryl says it was his ‘best comfortable performance.’ As opposed to his other great uncomfortable performances? Shush Cheryl and well done Lloyd. If this contest was about hair and inspiring homosexuals to wank, the trophy is yours. Or Jedward’s.
3. JOE – ‘Just too funky for me’
I feel bad ranking Joe lower than someone I hate and someone who can’t really sing but this is the case and we’ll all have to deal with it.
In his Joe’s VT he tells us he loves when Cheryl is rude and aggressive to the other judges. Is he a thug too? I hope he didn’t find that bathroom assault funny. ‘Oh that Cheryl. What you see is what you get. If she’s pissed to the gills and thinks a bathroom lady’s been rude to her, she’ll knock her out there and then!’ Etc. We also learn that his Granny will keep him grounded and has a very thick, terrifying accent. In his song there’s one note that Joe’s struggling with and that could spell disaster. Ok, when we’re worrying about one note that could go wrong one week, then we should be allowed to start voting Joe to win now. I worry weekly whether Olly or Stacey will hit any notes – or whether the wonderful Jedward are actually singing.
He’s doing Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me which is boring and a bit obvious. The troublesome notes is either not in this final version or went fine because there are no issues whatsoever. It’s perfectly sung but we’ve come to expect this now. He gets the first standing ovation from all judges of this series.
Dannii loves the honesty and passion in his voice. Cheryl loves working with and watching Joe. Louis whines that it’s not a George Michael song and that Cheryl’s cheating. He’s taken this too far now: I agreed with him on lots of his other rulebreaks but this one seems capricious. Joe’s still never been in the bottom two and I think and hope he’ll win.
4. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘I watch you sinking all that cheap red wine’
Jedward’s VT features loads of clips of Calvin Harris rushing the stage. I’m surprised by how bad a dancer is, considering his livelihood depends on making others dance. Kevin, Jedward’s granddad, is the sweetest little man and looks like Dobby from Harry Potter. Simon is like Louis giving them too much to do and Louis is like nu uh because they practise more than anyone.
They are wearing Wham shirts and are doing I’m Your Man. Which then becomes Wham Rap (I think, there’s certainly some rapping) and then goes back to I’m Your Man. I saw the rap breakdown coming and it’s just not as sophisticated as their mashup last week. This week it’s just a medley and is very cheap. The crowd all cheer again, which is nice, but I thought this was a bit samey. Until Jedward show us they can sing (perhaps taking on Ave Maria during the final) my love for them is so dependent on them either surprising me or being a relief from the boredom. I think this week Danyl’s bizarre arrangement stole their thunder. Usually, I watch them and think it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.
Dannii praises them for singing in tune and says it was fun. Cheryl says well done and Simon disses Andrew Ridgley. He wouldn’t dare do that if I was there with him. Both twins are smiling and it’s heartwarming. They’re looking good lately.
They don’t look so good when they’re in the bottom two. They look really pasty and like they’re about to cry. It’s very cruel that they still have to wear their Wham outfits from last night. They tackle No Matter What by Boyzone which has never been a good song. They are booed before, during and after and I think that accounts for a lot of the vocal problems. One gives up singing at one point. They keep singing the wrong lyrics over the other. They’re out of tune and out of time. It’s such a shame. They leave the show not with a celebratory, homoerotic bang but instead with an ashamed, unerotic whimper. They have made so many of these live shows bearable that I’m so sad they’re leaving. I suppose it’s to Joe now to fit that good singer/good person mould that Alexandra so butchly fit last year.
5. OLLY – ‘If you’re looking for fast love’
Then go to Olly. He’s quite clearly a one minute man. He is introduced as The Incredible Olly Murs, which annoys me. Though he looks like a pallid Incredible Hulk, he is not incredible. Nor is he credible as a recording artist or human being. He is a skidmark on entertainment’s gusset. On his VT this week Olly tells us his plans to be modern and sexy. Good luck with that!
He is doing FastLove which is an awesome but not remotely modern. There is nothing modern about mid 90s dance pop. He dances with women in black suits and brightly coloured torn pom poms. Perhaps Brian wants this dance routine to be a satire on women in the modern workplace? To his credit, Olly’s dancing is far less stupid than it has been in his previous weeks. And, he keeps his shirt on. He remains punchworthy and amateur when he mimes out the lyrics again. He does telephone fingers for ‘call’ and points to his head every time he sings ‘mind.’ I’ve seen “lads” do this in clubs. It’s only funny if you do it for every word, and if you do it to Pulp’s Disco 2000 and have to mime the word ‘woodchip.’
Dannii speaks of pitch problems but I doubt anyone cares. Louis says he’s not fake and Cheryl says he doesn’t complain about everything. Danyl’s ears don’t so much burn as set on fire here.
The judge’s praise is not enough to keep Olly from the bottom two. It’s reassuring he ended up there once. He’s doing Wonderful Tonight and it’s fine. Kind of like when he did She’s The One and it wasn’t bad but about a tenth as fun (and as praised) as the performance when he goons around with whorish dancers. It’s never in doubt he’ll stay in the contest but it does put another kink in Simon’s armour. Thank God. He’s been a dick this series. (Remember it was he who put in those horrible live auditions.)
6. STACEY – ‘Maybe we should all be praying for time’
In her VT, Stacey is happy and gaspy. She says if their charity single gets to #1, it would be ‘well cool.’ Her family trip is a bit of a damp squib as she already goes home every week to see her son. An Adele song is used in her VT which only makes me more frustrated that Stacey can’t sing as well as Adele. Also, Stacey is advised by a singing coach to cry on stage. Surely the producers should advise this and the singing coach should teach Stacey to sing better.
She’s doing I Can’t Make You Love Me which, to paraphrase Yvie, is a good song. When it’s good. It’s not good here. Stacey sounds shrill and very American. Like she’s Miss Wyoming and someone’s stolen the rabbit for her magic trick and she’s being asked to sing instead. This song was done so much better on Idol. Here it is shrill and flat and awkward. And, most damagingly, boring. Then it’s shouty and no less boring. She appears to be wearing what is either a Halloween costume or a 2.2 Fashion student’s dissertation.
Louis praises Dannii for an amazing song choice and avoids praising the way it was sung. The others are similarly vague (‘a little star,’ ‘elegant’ and ‘a winner’) as any criticism of that shocker would result in an all-male final five. Boo hiss, judges! I'm not friends with you anymore
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