Thex Factor – Queen Week – ‘Each morning I get up, I die a little’

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It is Queen week
I bet Danyl will feel right at home! The big pansy! Queen week features masterclasses by two men who, while good musicians, are so wrinkly and big-haired that they look like Mums from a very posh PTA. Still, they like John & Edward so they’re all good in my book. Poor old Queen have to cope with Danyl undoubtedly probably trying to gay them up during masterclasses, then watch Danyl scream like the big screamer we know he is, then play backup for him and the other, less irritating ones on Results night. These Queen men should all be knighted! Queen week is also an excuse for all the singers to become ridiculous (and act like Freddie Murphy) and to use massive choirs (and drown out their own inferior voices). Strangely, no one was that bad and no one got chewed out by the judges. I still don’t want to listen to any of the performances again but we’re making progress. Also, we get Shakira, whose new single I’m sad to admit does not include the lyrics ‘Shakira, Shakira,’ and all the finalists bleat through ‘You Are Not Alone.’



2. Calvin Harris is a cheeky monkey
But one that likes Jedward so it’s a moral minefield for me. Calvin, whose most irritating hits include I’m Not Alone, put a giant pineapple on his head and rushed the stage during what was undoubtedly probably this series’s most inspired performance. He was soon after evicted and not allowed on Xtra Factor. Ha! Like he needs the exposure.

On with the rankings….

1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘We are the champions of the world’
Or at least of this series. I have had to rank them first so often (and so often by default) that it’s becoming a little pointless ranking at all. But I do so enjoy writing ‘On with the rankings…’
John & Edward are mentioned every time Louis says something tonight and are even the stars of another SHOCK ELIMINATION montage featuring all the press about Lucie’s SHOCK ELIMINATION. I like Lucie more than that fat girl last year who was ELIMINATED SHOCKINGLY but I can’t say we missed Lucie tonight.
Their VT proper shows Simon saying they are ‘sort of good,’ which is far too tempered praise for my taste, and then their frightening and legitimately shocking trip to the bottom two. Simon says they’ve won him over with their good attitudes and that he enjoyed them last week. We see clips of one sobbing last week – I guess it’s the one who looks uncomfortable when they’re booed but I’ve already forgotten which one is which. Louis reminds us they got more votes than Lucie (and that this SHOCK ELIMINATION stuff is therefore nonsense) and that this week’s performance is all about the singing. (Spoiler: it’s not.) Jedward meet Queen (which they stress means The Band, not The Queen) and Brian May says it’s better to be hated than met with indifference. He says this kind of indifferently but support is support.
They are singing Under Pressure with a very unsubtle, deep-voiced guidance vocal. They shout-rap the verses and hop about in metal jumpsuits and in their inimitable style. Then the songs becomes an Ice Ice Baby mashup! Suffice to say, it is awesome. Barechested gay gangsta rappers start bouncing and then slutty women with covered chests join in the fun. They rap about being hated and loved and the song flicks back and forth from Under Pressure to Ice Ice Baby. I know it’s no 2 Many DJs but I think this mash up is really cool. The dancing and the light show is also quite slick and we see Louis dancing along like the sweetheart we know he is. They menace the camera towards the end and fend off Calvin Harris’s advances. It is cool and when it’s over, there are no boos and Louis looks shocked. Also, it was their best vocal by a mile. This week they were the best to listen to as well as watch: because sometimes a good song has rapping and verses that are easy to sing, not shrieking and yelping and lots of difficult bits.
Dannii thinks the bootleg is a cheat and cries hypocrisy. She also says the rapping was out of time as if this matters. Cheryl loves that there were no boos and is thrilled for them and by them. Both twins are smiling! Simon says it was their best performance and I get a little misty. He says ‘if people like you, they like you’ and praises their can-do spirit and backstage manners. I spent between one and two pounds on votes for them. They need to win now.

2. JOE – ‘My sister Veronica and I had this act’
Joe’s VT finds plenty of excuses to call him ‘musical theatre.’ This is so sabotage and meant to distract us from Danyl’s more overt faggotry. Joe is happy that he can hit notes and that Cheryl thinks of him as a little brother. I just hope Joe’s not being groomed for a knife gang. Joe’s song this week (Somebody To Love) is very difficult but Queen think his performance is ‘nice.’ Nice is the best word for Joe, isn’t it? Simon says if he pulls it off, it will be good. Well, yes well-executed performances are often good while those poorly-executed can be bad.
At the start we can’t hear him but soon learn he can’t dance. He looks like all his muscles are atrophying in sequence. The vocals are so good, he could almost be miming. (Perhaps he was? Jedward clearly were.) There’s a freaky, gulpy falsetto which soon becomes awesomeness. Joe is so the best singer.
Dannii makes a weird pun about Joe being somebody to love. Louis Walsh says it was a big song for a little boy and says the choir helped him. Isn’t that the point of backing singers? The police wouldn’t call for back up if back up was a hindrance. Simon says it wasn’t as good as last week (possibly because no one was wielding sticks or wearing Spanish lace) and Cheryl says they’re idiots. She yells Quiet and Shut Up like the thug we know she is.

3. STACEY – ‘Cos this is Thriller, Thriller night’
Stacey’s VT troubles me as I’m a little bored of what is either her moron act or her actual personality. She is glad she remembered her moves last week. Obviously rubbing her boobs was part of a complex routine. She is anxious being the only girl left and seems to know she’s going home soon. She’s singing a big emotional song and Yvie has to teach her to stand up straight. Queen are impressed and say hers is ‘a star voice.’ She makes an Under Pressure pun but sadly does not mash-up her pun with references to Ice Ice Baby. Pressure! Pressure!
Stacey sounds pretty great on Who Wants To Live Forever. The song is more operatic here than I remember and sounds a bit like a Katherine Jenkins rock cover. She’s flat at times but her hair looks good and her dress flatters. She looks like a zombie in the face though. Plus, we learn later she’s wearing 100 grand worth of jewellery. The backing choir are scary, the guitars don’t weep gently but instead scream and throw tubes of Smarties at the world, and fireworks fall from the ceiling.
Louis says it was incredible and Cheryl says it was stunning. Simon says it was the best of the night and astutely says it was less ‘whatever’ than Stacey usually is. Ha!

4. JAMIE – ‘All we hear is radio ga ga, radio goo goo’
On Jamie’s VT, we are asked to believe his wimpy cover of Crying last week was a ‘turning point.’ Oh please, nothing’s changed. He says the masterclass with Queen was a dream come true and acts as fangirl as he did when he met Whitney Houston. He hopes his performance will honour Freddie Murphy, which shows Jedward-levels of delusion.
His performance is pitchy, dawg, and pointless. It’s odd that he’s singing Radio Gaga as I confidently predict I will never hear a Jamie record on the radio. This would’ve made much more sense done by Lloyd or someone who’s less, you know, with the singing. There are power notes with no power and Simon grins and lolls about in his chair because of the audience reaction. The audience clap and do the dance routine because they’re idiots. You know they’ve all done that silly Amarillo walk at a wedding where the bride wore pink and would only serve vollyvonts. Jamie’s performance is so bad it’s turned me into a terrible snob! Either that, or I haven’t forgiven this show for forcing the pasty, bucktoothed audience on us during the audition rounds.
Dannii says it was a crowdpleaser which didn’t show off his voice. Louis says he’s out of his depth and has proven to be a very ordinary singer. To quote: ‘small voice, big hair.’ Ha! Louis again says it was a crowdpleaser but says this with the perfect amount of disdain for the audience. Cheryl hates Jamie’s hair. In the face, Jamie looks exactly like Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo. You notice no one ever says how nice Jamie is backstage.
Jamie lands in bottom two and does more Queen. He has a lisp. I don’t know why I never noticed this: maybe it’s why he’s so unconvincing as a rock star. He shakes his head in order to look earnest and the arm of rock goes up in the air. He wears shiny red pants and may have his fly open. The growly bits are fine but the rest is typically dull. To continue the Queen puns, the show must go on. The show is bad. And the show won’t go on. Jamie is kicked off after the judges again go to deadlock. Even though I preferred Jamie to Lloyd every week, I actually did a fistpump and went ‘yes’ when he was eliminated. I think I prefer Lloyd’s very bad singing to Jamie’s pretty bad singing, rockstar posturing, overpraise from Simon, stupid hair and To Wong Foo face.

5. LLOYD – ‘Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?’
Lloyd assures us that he’s not outmatched by his competition and that he has a place in his competition. I find it mindboggling that he’s still here, considering his poor performances and the lack of support from the judges. He doesn’t know the song, or care much for Queen, because he was born in the 90s. Someone does this song every year on the X Factor so that’s no excuse. Queen say he’ll find this song ‘tricky’ but then Lloyd finds Happy Birthday tricky. He can’t sing.
Lloyd’s doing Crazy Little Theeng Called Love and I grimace every time he says Theeng. I think it should be a rule that you have to able to pronounce the title of the theeng you’re singing. The theeng is though, Lloyd looks far less terrified than usual. And this is definitely a good theeng, as is his crouch step dancing. He looks like a mime catburglar who’s about to steal sometheeng. The slutty dancers are so dressed so slutty they look unhinged. Sorry, unheenged.
Dannii says he’s arrived and Louis says he was much better than last week. ‘Much improved’ even passes Louis’s lips. Simon says he’s still a puppy in the grand national but puppies still have fun. Cheryl says the penny’s dropped.
Sadly, the penny has dropped into my wishing well from last week when I desperately wanted him gone. He ends up in the bottom two again but everything’s different this time. For one, Cheryl looks calm and not about to attack someone. For two, Lloyd sings pretty well in the bottom two. He’s singing Last Request that Rachel and Ethan both mastered during bootcamp. (Do you remember how fit Ethan was? Shame he’s gone, though it would have been even harder to accept Olly as a heartthrob if he was put alongside one who was genuinely attractive.) Lloyd looks terrified and strains at time as usual but he sounds pretty good. His voice suits radio 2 acoustic indie, as evidenced by his successful I’m Yours back in Morocco. Maybe Cheryl should give him some James Morrison next week? He’d stay if she did.

6. OLLY – ‘If you can’t dance, if you can’t dance’
Olly’s VT reminds us of last week’s crazy, fug-concealing lighting and last week’s crazy, fug-heightening dance routine. Also, he broke his knuckle boxing and the Twins are vaguely involved. There are a few minutes’ drama about his injury and his plaster cast until we learn he’s not even wearing a cast tonight. He just has a little fingerless glove to protect it. Why did we even need to know then?
He’s singing Don’t Stop Me Now which I must stress is my least favourite song ever. They’ve already inflicted Sweet Child o’ Mine on me. If someone does Mr Brightside next week, the show will have officially become a bad Student club from 2004 and I will stop watching it. Olly is a wedding singer tonight, with fun dancing and odd hair. He does some bizarre body popping that makes it look like he has tentacles. I’m sure this performance is good for what it is (i.e. audience-pandering) but I hate it. It’s both busy and boring. Also, isn’t this song about calling up men for a good time? Why has it become wholesome family fun?
Dannii praises the ‘incredible’ dancing and says the song swallowed his vocals. Louis says it was electrifying and Cheryl looks forward to Olly every week. Simon praises Olly for not complaining (as he did Jedward and Lucie – you know someone IS complaining and he’s trying to guilt trip them) and for coping after he ‘nearly broke [his] arm.’ Simon gets so confused, doesn’t he. Arms get mixed up with fingers. Danyl gets mixed up with things that aren’t shit.

7. DANYL – ‘I’m a BK bitch, love to ride dick’
In Danyl’s VT he pretends to be nice and happy and fools no one. We hear he begged Simon to let him sing something but we aren't told what. If Danyl didn't sing every song in the exact same way the suspense would be too much to bear. Queen tell him he’s not connecting and should lift his head off the floor. Danyl thinks that if he stands like a normal person with his eyes up we’ll think he’s cocky again. The words cocky and confident are then used about a million times. Sadly, no one uses the word cock to describe Danyl.
He’s singing We Are The Champions. I kid you not. What a strange way to show us you’re not cocky! He sings about how hard life is and how he committed no crime. I think this performance is the most recent of his many crimes. His phrasing is awful. Who would buy this? Then, of course, he screams.
Dannii says it was his best performance (even though he ignored her salient advice not to scream) and Louis says it was the best of the night. Cheryl says he’s handsome and Simon says he’s fantastic. They are all wrong.