Thex Factor – Rock Week – ‘I hurt myself today’

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. Louis and Dannii are better than Simon
I knew this day would come. Simon has become increasingly bored, increasingly biased and increasingly in love with showboating queens like Danyl and Adam Lambert. Simon forcefed the yanks Adam Lambert and they reacted by crowing Kris Allen (fit, actually good) the winner. He’s doing the same with Danyl now and it’s just not working. Also, you know Simon is fucking up when Olly Murs is his only act with a chance at winning. Louis sticks up for John & Edward and Dannii appears to listen to all the acts so they’re both tops in my books. Cheryl is also there and is wearing two halves of a glittery clock over her boobs.

2. Michael Jackson is dead
I don’t think I’ve covered this news yet but these are the facts and there’s no use disputing them. The X Factor final 12 are going to cover ‘You Are Not Alone’ for charity soon. Last year they covered Mariah and got to sing with her. Will they sing with a hologram of Wacko this year? I bet seventy pence they will.

3. We have a guest columnist
Will Longhill is something of a hotshot and we have been bredrin since before Lucie and Lloyd were born. This is a terrifying fact. He blogged for Thex last year (when we had funner acts to play with): I think one more appearance and he’ll be my Sinitta.

4. It is Rock Week. Rock!
And no one is more excited by this than me. Especially as on this show, rock means Keane and Katy Perry. The contestants all performed amusing songs amusingly and no one did The Script. We learned Danyl is not a convicing rocker or a convincing human being.
[Rock week was always going to be a hard week for the show. It's a pair of magic glasses that looks straight through the sheen, the tears and Simon's magnificent hair to its sallow and cynical heart. Rock brings a dilemma, either contestants try to 'rock out' and end up looking like game show contestants, or they wimp out (I'm looking at you Stacey) and look gutless. For The X Factor to be captivating, we need to believe, to believe in pop, to believe that we actually give a shit about being a star and following a dream. Where's a Mariah week when you need it? In fact where was a Kelly Clarkson number? Short of an enforced Nicklback week this was one of the worst set of rock choices imaginable – Will]
Bon Jovi were the big stars and sang out of tune on results night. They also didn’t do any masterclasses and as a result no one did their songs. Ha! Though Rachel doing This Ain’t A Love Song would have been ace. Or Danyl doing Wanted Dead or Alive with Brokeback Mountain playing on big screens behind them.
Speaking of gay cowboys, JLS performed on the results show also and were quite good. The song is only ruined by a silly ‘put your hands up’ which is repetitive and also puts too many limits on who may or may not put their hands up. It was not rock but Simon seems not to care about themes at all this year. After all, Leona is performing on movie week possibly because she really likes going to the cinema.



On with the rankings…

1. RACHEL – ‘In a New York Minute, ooh ooh ohh, anything can change’
Rachel’s VT focuses on her suddenly not being shit and it is a happy affair as a result. Simon and Louis get all sniffy about Dannii’s song choice. The logic is: she got through last week doing a fast song so Dannii is a stupid cunt for giving her a slow song this week. Dannii has no time for this nonsense and, in her defence, Rachel has bombed with songs fast and slow in the first two weeks so Dannii has few safe options.
Rachel is singing One by U2 which is a song I find very dull whoever it’s sung by. But not today! Rachel has Rihanna hair and looks good for once (more on this later) and sings well. The foghorn is gone and the runs build: subtle and impressive. She coos and is sultry then wails boldly and almost entirely pleasantly. It’s an excellent vocal and almost makes the song not boring. Brava, Rachel! The comeback seemed complete.
Louis says she made it her own, Cheryl says she’s the best girl. Simon mocks her hair and then Dannii mocks his. Simon smiles warmly and it’s a nice moment. Simon then says her hair made the performance cabaret. I can’t understand this and I won’t waste the time decoding it or writing more about it. Quiet, Cowell.
Rachel is in the bottom two, which humiliatingly means she got fewer votes than the out of tune and considerably gayer than you Danyl. Dermot comforts her after this bad news with the words ‘third time’s a charm.’ She sings Oasis and is foghorny at times but then becomes amazing at the end. It is perhaps her strongest performance and may well be the first performance by an X Factor act this year that I listen to after the fact. Simon says she sang better than Lloyd (which: see below. And which: not hard) but lets the vote go to deadlock anyway and Rachel is booted. I had a lot of issues with Rachel this year but this week she was clearly the best and I was sad to see her go. I’m not sure she’ll go on to big things but maybe she’ll find a nice table runner and be happy in some other way.
[Racism from the British public, or perhaps it's a hatred of Bono? Who knows? – Will]
[And yet the Aryan block vote couldn't save Lloyd. Nick Griffin was squinting thrice as much as usual Sunday night! – Thex]

2. JAMIE – ‘I’m a little bit rock and roll’
Jamie’s VT is a little confused. We relive Louis saying it was karaoke and then Jamie counters by saying he’s not a pub singer. Well, Louis never said you were. He said you were karaoke. Maybe if Jamie paid more attention he’d be more successful. Simon hopes Jamie has a good time on stage. What a low goal to set. Simon doesn’t hope he sings well because Jamie is neither his favourite nor ours.
Jamie does Loaded by Primal Scream which is still a good song and surprisingly doesn’t seem dated, even when it’s sung by a tool with glam rock makeup and a silly afro. Lyrically, it’s completely inappropriate for this show which makes me think Simon didn’t pick it. Jamie gives by far the cleanest vocal of the night, and I enjoyed it greatly, but I couldn’t rank him first. Mainly because I was constantly worried Jamie would hold out the mic to the audience, or climb on the judge’s table, or do something else pub singer-y. It’s authentic but it’s not cool and wouldn’t fly in the music press or on the charts. When you’re not cool enough for The X Factor, you’re not a rock star.
Jamie is given tempered but fair praise. Dannii says she liked it but preferred Hurt, Louis says there was no originality and Jamie is a Lenny Kravitz lookalike, Cheryl said rock week was a gift for Jamie and Simon says it was authentic. Simon then says the other judges are playing mind games but all the comments I’ve just listed are pertinent and true. Quiet, Cowell.
[This was Jamie's time to shine and he blew it. He should of brought out a storming ACDC number but settled for glam pub rock. In fact, where were the Bon Jovi songs this week? Louis called it right this week when he called Jamie a fake. There's nothing wrong with fake, pop is all fake but it doesn't matter. Nobody likes a fake rocker – Will]
[Just ask the other ones in Daughtry – Thex]

3. JOE – ‘So now I come to you with open arms’
Joe’s VT relives Simon’s ‘you’ve got less latin flavour than a dolphin’ comment from last week. Cheryl looks ready to toiletbash someone and sternly asks the camera what that even means. Point, Cole. Quiet, Cowell. Simon then says Joe and rock and roll are like a mouse and tiger. Because rock and roll will eat Joe? Because Joe will eat out a rockstar back stage?
Joe is doing Journey, which you know will cause that song to chart again next week. He’s dressed very well and sounds great. He is able to adapt his tone and sounds less creepy and Disney ever week. The vibrato is lame but he’s been brought up on Idols and X Factor and taught this way to sing so I’ll cut him some slack. As he sings, some random ballroom dancers fling around near him. Random ballroom woman flaps her legs about then wraps them around random ballroom man. Tramp.
Dannii says his voice is exceptional and he’s a star. I notice now that Cheryl’s not sitting next to Dannii. Ha! Have they had a falling out? Is it because Dannii is dressed well this week and Cheryl is wearing a Lady GuGu outfit? Simon calls it stageschooly which is kind of true but is about two months late: if anything, Joe’s become far less stageschooly and far more palatable. Joe is then forced by Dermot to say the North East love Journey to attract some regional votes. He doesn’t need to suck up in this way. He’s quite good.


4. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘You big disgrace’
Their VT features enough of She Bangs to make me smile twice as wide as I thought possible. It also shows us Cheryl calling them her guilty pleasure (yey!) and Simon threatening to quit because they’re so rubbish (boo!) There is also video footage of Jedward’s screaming fans, who aren’t Irish, and of the Newspaper reports that they’ve been getting the most votes. Well, I’ve been ranking them first so this isn’t a big shocker.
They don’t get booed at the beginning at the song which shows some manners. They are doing Five’s cover of We Will Rock You, complete with rapping, which is a good way to mask their poor vocals. I do like when they try to sing though. They can’t rap in tune but the dancing is wonderful. They’ve been made to look like the founders of an Edward Cullen myspace group, with a strange skunk dye job. They are out of time with each other and with the song, and it’s not a patch on She Bangs, but it’s still heaps of fun. There is also a simulated stage dive where they are caught by people paid thousands not to damage the show’s hottest property.
Dannii gripes about the lyric botch but she says she likes watching them. Cheryl praises the production and their costumes and Simon laughs at this. I don’t think it was meant as a diss. Simon gripes about their tuning but praises their tenacity. It makes sense for the judges not to attack them as then the twins won’t get pity votes or ‘how to annoy Simon’ votes. I have to say I was a little disappointed by this performance as it wasn’t half as ridiculous as it could or should have been. I bet next week they’ll get it together and make me laugh absurdly again. I will buy this charity single just to hear them.
['Two bad boys with the power to rock you'. Louis normally has trouble stringing a coherent sentence together but he does know his boybands. Just when it looked like the boys were running out of steam they come out dressed as twighlight emo vampires, vampires with the power to rap...badly. Not quite up the the loft heights of the Britney performance but still pretty special. If Danyl doesn't win I want the boys to win. At one stage they even try a call and response with the backing singers. Those less generous than me would say that they missed cue but they're pros – Will]

5. STACEY – ‘I like to move it, move it, I like to move it, move it’
Her VT describes her palpable nerves last week and how she seems a little robotic. Stacey says she’s not used to being on stage and I notice gasps at the end of every sentence, even if it’s not a very long one. She wants to get better and so is tackling some choreography. This is a can-do Stacey. Simon helpfully says this week she’ll have to do something. He does not helpfully add what that something should be. Should she weave a tapestry? We are left to infer that she should dance a bit.
She is doing Keane which seems a natural progression from her week one Coldplay. Perhaps she’ll do Elbow on semi-final week? It’s arranged poorly as a power ballad and has silly guitar bits. Her voice once again sounds great when it’s barely used and awful when it’s overused. Stacey really isn’t improving. Her voice doesn’t suit the song at all: the shouting is out of place and is not exactly pretty either.
[Only Stacey, the nation's favourite afghan hound/essex girl hybrid could get away with singing Keane. If it was anyone else I would instantly write them off for the series but I love her so I forgive her – Will]
Louis says it was a boring song but he loves her. Cheryl likes her as a person but didn’t love the performance and hopes she’ll put more personality into her songs. That’s excellent advice: Stacey should do a fast-talking song and gasp at the end of every line. Perhaps Independent Women Part 1? Question!

6. LUCIE – ‘When you’re 21, you’re no fun’
Lucie’s VT focuses on Simon’s weird ‘you performed it like an actress’ diss from last week. We see clips on Dannii’s hot rage, Lucie’s hot tears and Simon’s lukewarm defiance. Yvie is looking forward at least and says this week Lucie’s song has notes ‘we didn’t know she had.’ The use of pronouns here makes me think that isn’t a compliment.
She’s singing Guns ‘N’ Roses. I absolutely hate this song: it reminds me of terrible “cheese” club nights at Uni where they always play this, Chesney Hawkes and Don’t Stop Me Now. They’d also play Livin’ On A Prayer and turn the sound down so the crowd would all do the wo ho bits together, exactly fourteen minutes before the first girl off the hockey team shat herself and collapsed in a toilet. Anyway, the song is more unpleasant than that toilet cubicle so it’s hard to judge the performance objectively. The growling is fine but there is no melody. This isn’t a “moment” for Lucie. There is some ear mic clutching and there are some very off notes. There is also quite a cool breakdown (or possibly a middle eight – it’s hard to tell when there’s this much strange wailing) and then it ends.
Louis says she’s a pro and that Simon owes her an apology. Cheryl compares her to Avril. Simon says she was boring but isn’t any more. That’s not praise I ever want to hear but she’s thrilled. Dannii tells her to enjoy being loved. Because it won’t last long? That is so the subtext.
[Lucie looks about as rock as PJ and Duncan – Will]

7. OLLY – ‘Any time I touch you, you just tremble inside’
Moley beauty Olly Murs is closing the show to ensure we go to bed with no happy thought. Simon introduces him by saying ‘now it’s back to a singing competition’ which is a childish Jedward diss. And also, really? It’s a singing competition with this idiot prouncing around? And I thought he was your big risk and you only put through because he’s likable?
His VT charmingly compares judge’s feedback to GCSE results and features the judge’s worries that his Beatles song is too big for him. Now, I like the Beatles but I don’t see how their songs are too big. They’re all quite clearly and subtly song: there are no ridiculous whistle notes to get right doing them.
He’s doing Come Together and has a cum face throughout the song. The song is too subtle for this show and should be too small for the room but Olly makes up for it by dancing around in a typically monged fashion. I respect him for having a lot of strength in his calf muscles though because I don’t. You can’t hear this voice for at least half of it but his last flourish is very good. Then he rips his short open and shows his hairy chest. That is so what Jamie wanted to do too. Maybe they did rock paper scissors?
The judges wax on about how Olly has improved. It’s sort of true in that he’s more comfortable, and he’s never the worst, but his voice is still not good enough for this show. Dermot calls him prime Essex meat and it comes across very much like Dermot kissed a girl and did not like it.
[Frankie Boyle recently said that Becky Adlington looks like the reflection you get when you look in a spoon, if Dermot did that he would see Ollie staring back. Despite my initial revulsion, he's won me over with a succession of tight trousers and surprisingly good singing. Come together is the perfect song for him, the closest the Beatles ever came to Prince's sex funk – Will]
[Speaking of Prince and ill-fitting clothing, I can’t help but feel none of these performances come close to Beautiful, Spanish Ruth doing ‘Purple Rain’ and scaring the shit out of a nation – Thex]

8. LLOYD – ‘Why you wanna try to classify the type of thing we do?’
In his VT, Lloyd tells us he resents being told he should be in a boy band. Lloyd is a brat and it appears has no idea how bad a singer he is. Simon says he’s only on the show because he’s good-looking and Louis’s views are similar. We hear he’s doing a girl’s song, and will have to intelligently change the lyrics, and that he’ll show he deserves his place.
He doesn’t really show that but what comes next is fun and his best live show performance by miles. He’s doing I Kissed A Girl and this requires few intelligent lyric changes. ‘I hope her boyfriend don’t mind it’ is the foolproof new lyric. It would have been far, far better if he’d kissed a boy and he liked it. Or if Danyl had done it instead. He sits on a throne and trampy women lunge at him. We assume these are the same trampy women imprisoned on stage during She Bangs last week. His voice is raspy, which is an improvement, but it’s still very flat. The song choice is clever, because now loads of fantards will imagine that Lloyd kissed a girl like them and he liked it, when we know that Lloyd would be repulsed at the sight of most X Factor viewers.
Dannii said he was more comfortable and Louis says he should sing better. Louis also complains that it’s not a rock song and it’s rock week. This is a valid point but Simon mocks him for whinging about rules and theme weeks when it really doesn’t matter. I couldn’t help but wonder: was Louis right? Why did Simon start theme weeks at all if he thinks they’re pointless? Simon agrees that the singing is bad but the swagger is better.
This swagger is not enough to save Lloyd from the bottom two. There is something richly deserved about this as he has been consistently rubbish on that big stage. Lloyd suddenly has a sore throat and Cheryl looks very worried. Or, ready to go back to her criminal days and cut a bitch, Lloyd sounds better ill for the bulk of his Joe Cocker song, like when Phoebe had a cold on Friends and become a chartreuse, but it kills his range entirely. (I have to say this sudden cold was a brilliant idea/piece of luck as he has now has an excuse for missing every big note.) He apologises, grimaces and hits himself on the head. It would be uncomfortable if it wasn’t so much fun to watch. He stays, he’s surprised and then this caller on the Xtra Factor makes him cry and admit he’s only there for his looks. Ha!
[Lloyd needs to die. Obviously Cheryl agrees because she insists on giving him songs that are either too difficult (Bleeding Love) or banal (tonight) – Will]
[Maybe his cold is not made up and is as serious as they make out and he will – Thex]
[Not only does Lloyd do the impossible and murder 'I Kissed a Girl', but he also has the nerve to get more votes than Rachel. I'm beginning to think that behind the vacant expression and twinkling eyes lurks a calculating killer. Strangely, his broken voiced survival song was his best performance of the series by which I mean it was mostly in tune and had a breathy quality reminicent of last year's superior model - the quiglet – Will]
[Lloyd and Eoghan rile me similarly. I think you’re on something. X Factor cloning? I smell a Charlie Brooker satirical drama – Thex]

9. DANYL – ‘I love to hate you, I love to hate you, I love to hate you’
Danyl’s VT is about his ‘shocking’ and ‘undeserved’ trip to the bottom two. Whatevs. His accent is no less annoying. He says bo’om two but then says haaaaaaaart. Oh pick a team, wannabe. Either you’re posh and snooty and should ‘own it’ or yer should get t' pie from downt' way. We learn about a HILARIOUS article that says Danyl is the most hated contestant ever and that someone compared him to Hitler. Louis is the voice of reason and says Simon’s trying to force people to like Danyl and it’s not going to happen. This is true and a big part of why we don’t like him. Simon’s like a sleazy car salesman saying you have to buy that car today or else it’ll sell out and the price will double and you’ll regret it and you won’t get the free floormats and you’ll probably die.
He’s doing Aerosmith and his phrasing is bizarre. He sounds like a drag queen doing Nina Simone, even more than last week when he was actually singing Nina Simone. Faw-ey-vah is the worst bit. He looks miserable as hell and screams at points in a very desperate way. Jamie and Olly outsung him tonight. Danyl was flat and shrill and singing a lame, overdone, overplayed sung in an overdone, overegged way. He misses notes and botches lyrics. On the last note, it’s clear he’s given up. Much like Hitler did.
[Nick Griffin quite likes being compared to Hitler. Danyl clearly doesn't. He's clearly shaken by the furore surrounding him and the song choice constrains him. He's one of the few people who could actually do a proper rock song and gets stuck with an Aerosmith ballad. The judges clearly have it in for him, Cheryl tells him to keep his chin up before the low blow 'you don't really do it for me'. – Will]
Dannii is sympathetic and says it was sad to watch him like this. She also says he liked the desperate yelling. Cheryl rightly says it was uncomfortable and Louis tells him to butch up. Simon says the judges are contradictory because they’ve told him off for being cocky and now don’t like he’s a worthless shell of a man. It isn’t a contradiction, Simon. They want him to be confident and normal and less toolish. They have always wanted this. Simon makes me lol in a bad way when he says Danyl is ‘undoubtedly probably the best singer in the competition.’ Simon is undoubtedly probably the worst judge this year. Danyl has his hands in his pocket and looks like a stroppy child.
[Pop fact: Thex and I once argued with our class at school because we had the nerve to claim that Brandy and Monica's 'The Boy Is Mine' was a better song than the sloppy sentiment spewing from Steven Tyler's gaping mouth. Naturally, the other boys called us gay. They were only half right – Will]
[Yeah but you dropped your gay card– Thex]