These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. Dermot is not a judge
And Louis told him so. Keen viewers, or indeed keen readers of this blog, will notice Dermot’s become increasingly bratty and refutes any criticism that the judges give. It’s very unprofessional and undermines the judges and the show. I’m glad Louis told him where to go. Davina would have smashed his face in.
2. There are other judges
There’s the strangely behaved Simon who thinks Jamie, Olly and Danyl are the greatest musicians the world has ever seen and gives every performance a standing o, even though most of them have barely deserved polite applause. There’s the beautiful and angry Cheryl Cole, the beautiful and suddenly sound Dannii Minogue and the beautiful inside Louis Walsh.
3. It is movie week
All the contestants stand on a red carpet and get to watch Jim Carrey as an animated Ebenezer Scrooge. The star-studded event features both Peter Andre and my favourite cricketer Tuffers. That does sound like a fun night so I won’t begrudge their whooping about how much fun it is.
4. The guests have nothing to do with movies
Why can’t they just call it Leona has a song out tomorrow week? Or maybe build the theme around her and the Black Eyed Peas? Transatlantic number ones, for example. Songs from this century. I should so produce this show. The Black Eyed Peas perform their least irritating song for years: Fergie ascends from a giant glittery halfmoon and Will.I.Am hangs from a wire. It’s about ten times more fun than Leona who’s been saddled with a song which either has no tune or two. It’s unclear. She sings it well but it’s not like last year when she did Run with her knees out.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘Who you gonna call?’
The Grimes twins receive huge boos before they perform, which I still think is too rude even for reality TV. Dermot being a dick to the judges is clearly sending a message that rudeness is acceptable. Bring back Kate Thornton. In their VT they say they’re not just pop artists and ‘rocked it out’ last week. I’m not sure that’s true. Peter Andre speaks eloquently in praise of the Grimes brothers on the red carpet and we learn Gordon Brown doesn’t like them. I know who I’d rather have on my side. Louis then disses Gordon Brown and Dannii says she ain’t afraid of no ghost. I’m just reporting the facts; I’m not trying to make sense of them. This VT is very weird.
The Grimes brothers begin their performance in a car. It’s all uphill from here. They act. The dancing is fab. They forget to sing again. They have guns with which they bust ghosts. They get electrocuted. A strange lady in red screams. I laugh throughout and on a night full of ballads, and on a night where it became clear that jughead will win, it is a huge amount of fun to watch the Brothers Grimes look so stupid.
Dannii wonders what will be on their album. The album will probably have the same production values, and guidance vocalists, as most of hers so I don’t know why she’s struggling to imagine it. Cheryl says it was fun and ‘good on you.’ Simon says it was ‘sort of good’ in a childish way and says it was more entertaining than the karaoke that had been inflicted on them before. This is so true and I’m glad he’s back on board. Louis says they bring joy to the world and they do.
But clearly not to the people who vote because they’re in the bottom two. I’m going to have to start voting for them. Clearly ranking them first, and encouraging my dozens of readers to vote, is not enough. They redo Rock DJ for survival and it’s pretty good. It’s a repeat but this time it’s done without the big stageshow: it’s just them doing cartwheels and being awkward and slightly out of time. All the things I love in my Irish twincest popstars! Also, it’s clear they’re better singers than Lloyd. And far more pleasant to listen to than Danyl. At least they don’t scream like they’ve being doubledone as Danyl inflicts on us every week. I wish they’d kicked his gaping ass out this week. Grimes Brothers, I love you and want you to perform at my wedding or the bah mitzvah of my first son.
2. JOE – ‘My sister Veronica and I had this act’
Joe’s VT reminds us that he’s limp and stageschooly. Ha! Simon is so calling Joe a fag every time he says that. Like when Troy Bolton wants to join the musical but his Dad wants him to just play basketball and Troy’s like ‘No, Dad, I want to be on both teams.’ Joe is at the premiere and smiley and happy on all counts. He’s singing from The Lion King and is unsurprisingly thrilled about this and smiles a lot.
The verses are a bit tentative and his voice is clear. He sounds gayer than you’d think Cheryl could stand. Oh, and I think his poppy is made out of silk. It’s all very odd but is well-sung. Joe sways slightly and sings about the circle while black men wave sticks around in the background and women in Spanish lace dresses flail about. It is odd and has little to do with either lions or Joe. At least John & Edward had ghosts on stage that were busted during their song about ghostbusters.
Dannii says he’s the best male vocalist, which is a good thing to remind everyone who’s voting for Moley Murs or that bender off of X Factor. Dannii didn’t like the stickwavers as she thought they were distracting. Simon did not like the swaying and brats that he’s not the best singer. Yes, he obviously doesn’t scream enough to win that title. Louis says something inoffensive and Dermot starts on him and then a whole mess happens. My take on this is that Louis is a judge and Dermot is a tool. Dermot’s got too big for his boots while Louis’s boots are made for walkin’. I trust you all agree.
3. LUCIE – ‘We’re soarin’, we’re flyin’
Lucie’s VT shows her sudden transformation from a subpar diva to a subpar kid rocker during last week. Dannii says she’s young and cool now because Guns N Roses are, if anything, young and cool. This show’s values are so warped. She’s singing a song from Camp Rock which is a TV movie. Think of it as a cousin of High School Musical. Or, to push a metaphor too far, a girl at Avril Lavigne’s high school that Avril stopped being friends because she wouldn’t cut herself during Truth or Dare. Yvie is no nonsense during the VT and tells Lucie not to act. We hear in roughly seven different ways that Lucie’s song is going to show who is.
And handily it’s called ‘This Is Me’ and features these words over again. We all know who Lucie is now. The question we never meant to ask has finally been answered! It sounds just like Gotta Go My Own Way or any number of live action Disney songs. Her reedy voice really suits the world of autotuned Disney and it’s quite engaging really. The song’s as catchy as you’d think so for two minutes, it’s very easy watching. There is a terrible shriek as there is every week from Lucie – and which will of course be shown during the recap when her voting number is shown because some editor really hates the Welsh. There are also some good whistle notes and her hair looks awesome.
She’s in the bottom two for reasons that only God knows. (People preferred Lloyd and that fairy? Really?) She sings Whitney for her survival and it’s very slick and stageschool. Except not in Joe’s I’m-a-good-singer-so-these-tics-are-more-forgivable way. It’s a bit nauseating and the song is about destiny and chances. She makes strange vomit noises in lieu of pleasant growling also and grins smugly when she’s done. But not for long. Simon lets it go to deadlock again and she’s gone. I’m just glad the Twins are still around but I really don’t want to read a lot of SHOCK ELIMINATION stories. She was never going to win; it’s not that SHOCKing
4. OLLY – ‘You are deformed and you are ugly’
In Olly’s VT, he sits under a ridiculous amount of lighting which succeeds in making him look much less fug. For now. He also pronounces them as ‘loights’ to annoy me. He’s singing a song from Ferris Bueller which you’ll be shocked to know is one of Simon’s favourite films of all time. You know how uncomfortable he is giving hyperbolic praise so this really means something. Dannii and Louis are bored by the song choice and I agree that two Beatles songs in a row is too much.
He sings Twist and Shout and twists and shouts. He also dances with a wide stance and appears to be wearing the same suit he wore on Diva week. There are 60s girl dancers again. The dance breakdown is quite cool and sees Olly and the slutty dancers walk like cavemen in sync. Olly has two moves during the song: lifting one leg is one; flipping his feet about, the other. It’s possibly good but definitely boring. That’s enough for this high place this week.
Louis likes Olly but hates the silly dancing and the silly song. Dannii didn’t believe Olly believed in the song and I believe Olly nods because he believes the same belief. There are deafening cheers. Cheryl thinks he’s gone too retro. Simon snits at the others and says Olly dancing around like a panfaced prick is ‘called en-ter-tain-ment’ and that’s the point. Or, it is until John & Edward become too awesome and popular and then Simon will decide it’s a singing competition.
5. DANYL – ‘If I could turn back time, if I could find a way’
Simon introduces ‘a new Danyl Johnson.’ If it was entirely a different person, I could get on board with this. Maybe the new Danyl won’t be so annoying and will sing better. Danyl’s VT is edited so that Simon doesn’t say ‘undoubtedly probably the best singer’ Ha! Danyl tells us he feels like he’s got a second chance when the public forgave his dreadful Aerosmith cover. I think this yelping mary’s been given more than two chances but I’m not a judge.
Danyl is doing Purple Rain to which I say: bitch, please. Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s cover of this last year shits on Danyl and everything he stands for from such a high distance that it’s not even worth comparing. Danyl still sounds like Neena Samoné, the fattest drag queen in Wigan, and still sounds pretty shit. A tasteful falsetto aside, he’s lifeless. He’s restrained too and not in a good way. Oh and then he screams again. Natch. He smiles without teeth when he’s done and looks sad.
Louis is full of praise and says he’ll be in the final. Why? Dannii tells him not to shout every week and I’m glad someone’s finally told him that. Cheryl likes he’s not cocky anymore. Simon says it was an outstanding vocal. Except, it wasn’t. I don’t get Danyl.
6. JAMIE – ‘I've mended all my ways, repented, seen the light, and made a switch’
In his VT, Jamie takes Louis’s criticism that he’s a fake and inherently dull as constructive and decides to show his potential more. On some level, I admire this but also I think Jamie’s time has been up for a while. On the red carpet Jamie smirks and we learn Phil ‘Tuffers’ Tufnell is backing him for the win. First, the cricketers. Then, the gays. Then, the world. Jamie’s song had to be changed again either because Jamie’s not very good or because Simon doesn’t give a shit. Possibly both. He’s now doing Crying which we are assured is from Gummo. Isn’t that film about abused children? Happy Saturday night!
Jamie’s voice wobbles like crazy and then he, of course, gets to yell. He does so in a raspy but not exactly masculine way. It’s very dull and I remember nothing about it. The only bit I liked was when I got a text saying Jamie looks like Macy Gray.
Louis is glad Jamie has dropped ‘all the silly rock stuff.’ To which: Ha! He also says Simon cheated with that song. Dannii says he wasn’t the pub rocker this week and this was good. Because lame wedding singer is better? Cheryl says by not doing Unchained Melody he dodged a bullet, as that song is cheesy. Simon then gets very mardy because Unchained Melody is his favourite song ever (and that’s why Shayne Ward, Robson & Jerome and Gareth Gates were all made to sing it). He’s very rude to Cheryl at this point and it’s uncomfortable. There is a big argument about the supposed cheating as Crying is from a film no one’s heard of. It’s hard to take sides: Gummo is a real film, and it is movie night, so it’s not a big rule break. However, it’s not really in the spirit of things to pick a song and then find a movie it was in. Isn’t this week meant to be a celebration of Hollywood?
7. STACEY – ‘Stacey, can’t you see you’re just not the girl for me?’
Stacey didn’t like Pulp Fiction, in which her song features, as it was violent. She’s more of a Toy Story girl we hear. We also learn Stacey will have to perform a sexy song sexily this week and this is a problem. Stacey and Cheryl both assure us that Stacey is not sexy, which in a world where Olly Murs is a heartthrob is quite a diss. This drama is stupid and clearly invented. We know Stacey is a young mum: stop pretending she’s a virgin who watches Toy Story with an immaculately conceived baby.
She’s doing Dusty which is boring. Why couldn’t she do Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon? That's in Pulp Fiction too. Or Jungle Boogie? She’s also wearing leather and looks exactly like Olivia Newton-John in Grease when she tries to be sexy. Tell me about it, stud. That bit. This song is played-out and I don’t need to see it covered it again. It was already perfect. We also learn from Stacey’s performance that sexy equals walking around a mic and sticking your bum out. Ooh and rubbing your boobs! Five weeks in, I don’t think Stacey has given a single great performance. And I wanted her to win so much. And, based on past auditions, she kind of has the best voice.
Louis loves the look and Stacey’s personality but thought the performance lacked emotion. Cheryl thought she looked sexy and cool. Cheryl can’t dress for shit so I don’t think Stacey should take the compliment too seriously. Simon thought the song choice was lazy and that Stacey is vulnerable. Dannii thought it was modern because Duffy and Amy would cover that song. Even if that were true, it doesn’t stop how dull that was to watch. No wonder John & Edward are so popular.
8. LLOYD – ‘I never can say goodbye’
Lloyd’s VT is an embarrassment of riches and shows all the many ways he fucked up during his survival song. He’s very sad. Then he’s very happy and at a premiere! We see Jim Carrey’s beard. It is thick but wiry: a medical marvel. The premiere and seeing the beard is ‘a taste of what [Lloyd’s] life could be like.’ Yes, being half recognised at premieres is something Lloyd can savour for at least another six months. Louis says Lloyd’s song this week (Stand By Me) is too old but Cheryl says they’ve made it modern.
Oh, by shoving in bits of Beautiful Girls in there? Oh how clever and original! I just wish JLS and David Archuleta hadn’t already thought of this. And performed this medley on reality shows last year. Cheryl is quite full of the gimmicks when it comes to Lloyd isn’t she? This one is just as poor, and poorly sung, as his genderbending ‘I Kissed A Girl’ from last week. To offer a brief diversion from the terrible singing, Lloyd goes over to the judges’ table and takes Cheryl’s hand. It’s lame. And also, she’s married. Simon looks smug because he thinks he knows Lloyd’s going home and his three boys are safe.
Louis says Lloyd is out of his depth and Simon concurs. Dannii says it was well-chosen as it doesn’t show how limited Lloyd’s range is. She somehow makes this sound nicer than I can. For the third time in five weeks, Lloyd is the worst.
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