Thex Factor - Movie Night - 'Let's all go the lobby!'

1. LITTLE MIX – They did one of my favourite songs. And they sounded good! There’s never any harm in a bit of En Vogue. I love when the X Factor has 90s RnB. Like when Eoghan did Mariah. Or Alexandra unbroke my heart. This is the new direction for Little Mix, I’ve decided. Next week they should do The Boy Is Mine and punch each other.

2. JANET – The Irish beauty/The celtic bore took on Kiss Me – another one of my favourite songs. And a dear friend’s wedding song. It is not boring but it is predictable. She sounds exactly like Vickers and Goulding who in turn sound exactly like Sixpence None the Richer because they spent their impressionable years listening to Kiss Me like I did.

3. AMELIA - tried a rocked out version of Aretha. Well rocked out in the way that One Direction used to rock out, so that every song sounds like Since U Been Gone. I can’t get over how rough and hard and old Amelia looks. Is it from botox or daddy issues?
In other news, Tulisa didn’t think that Think is a well-known song because she doesn’t know it. Surely Think is better known than any N Dubz song? Or any Joe McElderry song?

4. MARCUS - I was told he was doing a song from Sister Act. I was desperately looking forward to Hail Holy Queen or My Guy. Either would have been hilarious. Instead, he tried one of Steve Brookstein’s signature songs. The gospel choir are fun as is the pink suit but the song bores me profoundly. And the staging makes Marcus look very West End.

5. MISHA B – Manchester’s favourite bully bleated a Jennifer Hudson impression of a Whitney Houston song. It’s a little like when you photocopy something twice and the ink gets thinner and you pick up lots of little black specks that weren’t there to start with.

6. CRAIG – When they announced Craig was taking on Bond, I wrote in my notes ‘A bond classic? Goldfinger? Could he get gayer? Oh wait. It’s gladys knight. Much butcher.’
Kelly praised him for always bringing a vocal. Is the bar set that low? Well done for turning up and singing rather than filling out a tax return.