Thex Factor 6 - Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

These are the salient facts before we begin.


1. It was Take That week
You remember them? If you can't, the montage of good songs and bad hair would have helped you.
The two most famous ones that aren’t Robbie do masterclasses and all four got to sing a song. The masterclasses were orated by Gary and Mark who 'tell it like it is' according to a VT. They tell two contestants to shut up. This was brilliant and means their masterclasses exceed even Will Young’s ones for non-aggressive meanness.
In terms of their guest spot, I don't love the song – and I was always more of an East 17 fan so I’m not overcome by Take That nostalgia – but I enjoyed the performance. Mark did the most dancing or bouncing along to the song. Gary did the most singing and had eyebrow troubles: one was dancing and the other was quietly dying. I'm not sure what emotion this was meant to convey.
Fittingly, singing songs by a group of men brings out the tranny in most of the contestants. Diana is the only contestant who consistently looks like she was born female this week.

2. There were celebrity guests other than Take That.
There was Same Difference who continue to be very jolly. We are told they offer 'unadulterated joy' to the world and I have to agree. Louis can't pronounce unadulterated, which brings yet more unadulterated joy the world. Their song is called We R One, which is a bit too semantically close to 2 Become 1 for me. You're brother and sister. Stop it. They appear to be miming but the dancing does look strenuous. Louis says they're amazing and S.D. are happy in a dated, naff, honest and wonderful way. I wish them well.
Rhydian was a little less happy even though he got a montage about how good he is and Same Difference didn’t. Diva. He has strange, staring eyes, which makes me miss Mariah and her dead eyes yet more. The hair is no better than it was last year but the singing is good. The whole popera movement annoys me but I've no beef with Rhydian. I wish him well.

3. We have a guest columnist.
His name is William – or Will for short – and I went to primary school with him. We both had FIERCE hair back then. He would like for there to be a Scooter week and he has bizarre views on Rachel. Bizarre in the sense that they are often positive views.
There are still vacancies. Apply via e-mail.

4. Dannii cried hot tears.
Apparently there's a rota where the judges get the first-pick of songs for their acts. Dannii had first pick because she it was her turn. This was too complicated for Louis Walsh.
He was upset because JLS wanted to sing Rule The World. He called Dannii a thief on TV and her voice cracked then she wept without moving her face. Simon defended her and Cheryl grinned the whole time, like she was watching a happyslap on someone's mobile.

On with the rankings…

1. RUTH – 'Baby do the conga, no you can't resist the feeling any longer'
On her VT, we are reminded of Ruth's awesomeness last week where she was the only contestant who was neither rubbish nor boring. She's singing one of Take That's less known songs (i.e. one that didn’t get to #1) and gets to meet them. They tell her in about three different ways to stop shouting and ruining their song. GB Gary Barlow compares Ruth's singing style to GBH. We then hear vocal couch Yvie saying Ruth should stop shouting and Simon saying she'll struggle to stop shouting.
I think they're all being very silly. Who doesn't like a good shout? It's primal scream therapy. It's why Ruth is so beautiful and Spanish all the time – because she lets it all out.
There is still a fair bit of shouting but each individual shout is impressive and expressive. She shouts at the right times for the right lengths and turns a Take That ballad into something frightening and exhilarating.
The judges like me enjoyed the perfect balance of shouting and singing. Louis said it was faultless; Cheryl, inspirational; Simon, sensational. Dermot called her a beautiful Spanish omelette. Universal praise!
During the moody, dramatic results, Ruth had a bit of a tache on all the close-ups. Eoghan looked jealous. This was the best part of tranny week. I’m still disappointed in her for letting herself go though. I won't call her Beautiful Spanish Ruth for a week as punishment.
[Ruth seems to be getting closer to her ultimate goal of becoming Meat Loaf. Perhaps Meat Loaf in Fight Club where he has heaving bosoms? The judges talk about Ruth's passion again. This ethnic stereotyping is getting pretty old. To be fair it's not hard to appear passionate in comparison to Danni whose face is so immobile she can't show emotion and Cheryl who seems to think everything is lovely. Perhaps Cheryl saves up the passion for nightclub attendants? – Will]
[She was going to pay for them lollipops – Thex]

2. ALEXANDRA – 'I know all there is to know about the crying game'
Alex's VT starts happily enough with talk of her Best of British week success. She says it 'literally felt like she’d died and gone to Heaven.' Blasphemy aside, this is dumb. Louis Walsh wouldn't be anywhere near you if you were in Heaven.
Cheeky Take That boys Gary and Mark tell Alex she's very good but needs to shut the fuck up when she's not doing her two and half minutes of singing. To 'protect her instrument,' they say. Or they just want her to spout less drivel.
The VT then takes on a dramatic turn when we learn that Alex will have to sing and dance at the same time this week. This is apparently some great Olympian feat, that she'll probably fail to achieve, even though she's already done this three times by my count. Maybe it is very tricky and there is the need for all this VT drama. I would struggle to write this blog and dance at the same time after all. (Plus, I watched a repeat of Top Model where a girl was praised for her ability to walk and talk at the same time. I guess it's all relative.) But still - it seems like they're trying to invent some problem that isn't there.
The performance is very strong, particularly for an opening act. Her tone is rich and full like a Gastropub stew. She has drag queen hair though, which stretches her face and gives it very manly lumps and dimensions. Her mini dress also has more shiny bits than a born-woman could stand. Couple this with the fact that her voice is naturally hoarse and it probably was the tranniest I've ever seen a good-looking girl look. First there are kisses, then there are sighs. Sack the stylist.
Dannii is a bit of a Negative Nelly but the other 3 are very positive. None of them say 'Dude looks like a lady' so they’re obviously in good spirits. The always right Simon Cowell said it was one of the best versions of Relight My Fire he'd ever heard. There's been about 3 versions I think so that was weak praise. There is more talk of Alex shaking what her Momma gave her. Bitch needs to learn some new slang.
[This was an excellent performance but I think I want to go back to the old Leona-like, android Alexandra. Her attempts to sass the judges were embarrassing. – Will]

3. DIANA – 'I’m goin' down, I'm goin’ down'
As Diana couldn't meet Mariah Carey, she was doubly happy to meet the most famous ones from Take That that aren't Robbie. Gary gives her his phone number because he wants to sign her. Well, this is the reason he gives and I've no reason to mistrust him. The best part of her VT was that its backing track was the Pirates of the Caribbean theme. She talks funny and has big hair, yes, but she's not a pirate. This music choice was bizarre.
The verses of Diana's Patience are very good but the choruses are lame. Her slump into mediocrity breaks my Vickers-loving heart. Her voice is thoroughly drowned out by the backing track and the backing singers. Which begs the question: why have backing singers? Isn't the whole point of Diana that she’s folksy and acoustic? She rallies towards the end with strange noises and hauntingly pleasant wailing but it's still not great. I'm worried that she’s peaked too early. I said this about Leona though so I'm no Simon Cowell.
The judges are full of praise. Louis praises her for making the song sound contemporary. The song she did is not even 2 years old so this was either silly praise or a subtle Take That diss. Simon Cowell said he enjoyed the odd noises and Cheryl calls him Mrs. Cowell. I love that the gay jokes are coming from her now as well as from the men.
The best Diana moment this week came on the results show when she said she's 'had a taste of what her life could be like' and doesn’t want it to end. Showing your pants and yelping in front of millions sounds like a laugh so who can blame her!
[Diana has the most annoying speaking voice, emphasising seemingly random bits of words. Her singing is starting to grate too. I still like the Chewbacca-meets-Cranberries warbles but her inability to pronounce simple words is baffling. She really struggled to say the word Patience which is a quite big problem in a song where it's the most common word. I think this happens because she doesn't know many words and the production team have to write the song out phonetically for her. – Will]
[She couldn't say Smile either. Or Hallelujah. Couldn't someone check she can pronounce the title before giving her the song? – Thex]

4. EOGHAN – 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy'
Eoghan is very red-faced on his VT. Has he come straight from a wank? He looks bizarre. He tells us he has always been a huge Take That fan. He was 3 when they had their biggest hits so I call VT bullshit. He misses out the high notes during his boy band masterclass because he can't hit them. Gary tells him off for being a big wimp and makes him try them anyway. He struggles.
On stage, he lets the backing track do the high notes for him. Ha! I think this was a wonderful move and is even better because he's completely ignored Gary’s bad advice. Though only a fool would question Simon or Gary, I'm not sure why anyone would give Eoghan a song made up of notes he can't hit. The belting is very nice. They should have given him a song that involved mainly belting. It isn't hard.
Eoghan has gangsta chains and his hair is inexplicable. Dannii looks watery when watching him. There is a children's choir who sing the children's choir bit. Many of its members are taller than Eoghan.
Louis Walsh calls him Quiglet. Ha! Louis thinks he looks like a red-faced pig. Cheryl lusts for him though to make up for it and Simon sees pound signs. I grow increasingly anxious he'll win. Diana needs to get back up to standard sharpish to stop this.
[Eoghan was great again. I'm not sure if he's a Popstar but he can definitely sing. It was clear this week how much makeup they put on him for his performances, as in the VTs he looks about 12. My flatmate is very confused. She doesn't know whether she wants to mother him or sleep with him. Or perhaps both in some kind of Oedipal way? – Will]

5. JLS – ‘And as for fortune, and as for fame, I never invited them in’
People are calling them Jack the Lad Swing again. Jesus wept.
At their masterclass, the badass members of JLS are told not to hate each other. Or rather 'look after each other' because 'if one [badass boyband member] breaks away, it's all over.' Or it’s all over until you do a reunion tour, release a song called Patience and then become more successful than you were the first time. It's odd advice from the Take That boys, based so vaguely on real experience.
JLS do A Million Love Songs. I find the original boring so having it rehashed every year or so on this show doesn’t work for me. Shayne and Leona both did it better.
The performance is OK. The little one sings most of it and begins with a very thin voice. The moody growling kicks in after the first chorus and the vocals generally improve. That said, the little one's sex faces during the moody growling added nothing to my life.
The judges are positive but not too effusive. Simon backtracks from saying JLS are the show’s best band ever and instead says they are 'one of the best.' He clearly did this so as not to offend Same Difference, who are another band from this show and who were in the building. But also – Ha! It is the beginning of the end when Simon's praise becomes less ridiculous and overblown as the weeks go on.
JLS are in the bottom two and are very gallant. I think the sex faces are to blame. Louis introduces them as 4 of the 'nicest' people he knows. This doesn’t sway me. Louis clearly prefers the company of bitches. They sing a strange mash-up of Stand By Me and Beautiful Girls. Just like the mormon did on American Idol this spring. There’s nothing more badass than mormon covers of reggae-lite in the minds of JLS!
The bits that are Stand By Me are pleasant and the bits that are Beautiful Girls are rubbish. I think this may have something to do with the varying quality of both songs. They end by changing the words from 'Stand By Me' to 'Stand By JLS.' This is up there with ‘That’s Life – Westlife’ on my all-time list of brilliant lyric changes. Only it's far more desperate.
JLS stay but they can’t win now. No winner of this show has ever been in the bottom two (and half of the runner-ups kept a clean record too). Plus, they were bottom two on boy band week, despite being a boy band. They’ll take the bronze at best.
[JLS were decent but their real purpose was to serve as the intro to the highlight of the evening: the Louis-Dannii cat fight. I maintain that Dannii wasn't in fact crying but had had some kind of injury and was leaking botox. I'm sure the doctors will patch her up in time for next week. The amazing thing about the whole scene was that despite Dannii appearing to be a bit distressed, Louis was grinning like an idiot throughout. Perhaps he sold his soul in return for a night of passion with Westlife's Mark Feehily? - Will]
[To protect the blog from libel, I have Googled Westlife and Mark is in fact the gay one with the big lips. Who knew! What I want to know is: Why was there all this drama about Rule The World anyway when better songs like Back for Good went untouched? – Thex]

6. RACHEL – 'Ding dong. The witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch!'
Rachel is introduced by her weeping mentor Dannii Minogue, fresh from being called a thief by Louis. The VT is miserable, focusing on Rachel's struggles and general unpopularity. She says being in the bottom two felt like someone 'kicked me in my guts.' Rubbish. She was grinning and bouncing and allegedly doing gun crime hand gestures at that poor widower last week. She loved it. I once again call VT bullshit. Louis says Rachel has 'no likability.' Ha! That was mean even by this show’s standards.
The verses are OK – 4 out of 10 OK – because she’s swapped in the foghorn noises for singing, even if it's not great singing. The choruses involve the most unpleasant wailing. There are also acrobats hanging from red sheets. It's unclear why and serves to highlight how empty the singing part of the performance is. Worst performance of the year.
The judges are positive about this mess. I'm past caring why. Dannii weeps some more.
She's in the bottom two. She's singing And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going (which you may have noted that I quoted last week for the Rachel part of this blog.) She calls it I'm Not Leaving by Dreamgirls. So does Dannii. Show some respect for the music, ladies. Please.
The song features the lyrics 'Yeah, I’ll scream and shout' which Rachel takes to heart. She makes bizarre, ugly noises and pulls trannified, ugly faces. The whole thing is dreadful and features a silly high note. She goes and justice is served. Though there remains the injustice of the nicer, better people leaving sooner.
[Rachel put in a quality performance but it's clear the public have it in for her. The judges told her that she has 'soul.' I half expected them to carry on by telling her to get back to the plantation and eat some chicken wings. More crude stereotyping. I'm a big fan of Rachel the judges were right when they said she was patchy. It was sad to see Rachel go after a pretty amazing go at that song from Dreamgirls but they were always going to put JLS through. - Will]
[A final thought: Her best bits montage struggled to find many positive comments from the judges and couldn’t help but show her shouting every week. Not beautiful, Spanish shouting. Bad shouting. – Thex]

In other news, my Mum calls Rhydian ‘my Rhydian.’ We’re not far off from him being called the son she never had. Are we?