Thex Factor 3 - Enough is Enough

Before we begin, these are the facts you need to know.

1. There are judges and contestants.
Two of the judges are lady popstars and two are male music moguls. The men make bad jokes about the other one’s sexuality. All four speak of comfort zones and contestants in and out of these comfort zones.
There are nine contestants –12 if we count JLS as 4 separate people, which I never will – and they sing and speak of dead relatives, dreams and huge amounts of pressure.

2. It was Disco week
Because the key to finding a relevant artist is to make them sing songs from a dead genre. Dermot said it would be ‘quite literally murder on the dance floor.’ He was full of shit and I was disappointed. Rachel taking someone out would have livened things up. Next week is Mariah Carey and this will be awful only in the sense that we will all be full of awe.

3. Will Young was the celebrity guest.
He did masterclasses and they were wonderful. He showed all the contestants how to be less offensive when they sing. It worked for some. He sang a song called ‘Grace’ very well during the results show but did so with strange, staring eyes. He reminded me why people need reminding that he was one of these shows: he reminded us all that he’s very good. If he was included in the rankings he would be second if not first.


On with the rankings….


1. DIANA – “Simply the best”
Her VT showed her being shit in rehearsal, wailing unpleasantly and needing Will Young’s support and encouragement. This was not grim foreshadowing as her performance proper was fucking awesome.
She sang Blondie and yelped, hiccupped and wailed very pleasantly. There were big notes and there were ugly notes and the whole thing had the X Factor. It made me listen to Call Me by Blondie a lot afterwards – and also to Call Me by Diana. The best thing about it was she wasn’t trying to show off or be the new Leona or Rhydian. She didn’t even try to sound very good and perhaps counter-intuitively ended up being the only person to sound any good. Diana for the win!
She had amusing choreography too. She got to sit on some stairs with her legs wide open while people danced behind her. We saw her pants a lot and they were black.
The judges get that she’s awesome though Louis thinks she should dance. This was a stupid comment but if it leads to her doing Wuthering Heights and prancing around then I won’t complain. I might send a letter to Notaracist about this.

2. LAURA – “Throw my hands up and shout”
Her VT showed Laura being loved by the judges but stalked by the paparazzi and insulted by the press. She found this difficult and cried in rehearsal like a shy, shy bitch. Will Young said she was having ‘an off day’ because he is very posh.
She sang very well but it was all a bit shouty and overblown. She’s only second because everyone else was so much worse.
The judges love it except Simon, who thinks she should dress better and be more like Diana. Ha! He’s playing the bitches off against each other!
I thought she looked nice and slim but I won’t question Simon because he is always right. Laura’s mentor Notaracist got mardy with Simon because she is bolshy.

3. AUSTIN – “Hip to be square”
Austin’s VT shows him going to buy the Hero single that is number one and that he sings on. He comes off very well and like a cheeky chappy who you would be friends with if he didn’t cry constantly.
We learn that Austin just sings and does lots of runs and trills without thinking about what he’s singing. This is a bad thing. The show is about connecting with the audience through song, not about big runs or dead wives. Whatevs. Stop moving the goalposts, reality TV.
Austin sings a slowed-down version of Wishin’ On A Star. It doesn’t really work because slowed-down comes off here as bored and boring. It’s a bit like a mid-90s Jodeci or Toni Braxton album track. It sort of suits Austin though – you know Austin sang Unbreak My Heart in assembly once. And this is why he was bullied at school.
The judges didn’t love it and Louis said he is missing a personality. This was grim foreshadowing as were the many comments that Austin should just enjoy singing tonight and no more! There’s also some nonsense about Austin fancying a girl and Austin won’t say he does. It’s awkward.
Austin ends up in the bottom two even though he sang better than most. He then sings a dull song in the showdown and is significantly better than Rachel, who is also in the bottom two, but goes home. Simon says it’s ‘one of those things.’ The first SHOCK ELIMINATION was overdue I suppose. This one was a bit unfair but I’ve been more bothered about things in my life.

4. ALEXANDRA – “She’s like so whatever”
Even Alexandra’s VT is dull. She went to the Bond premiere. She has fans. These bases were all covered in the other contestants’ VTs. Give us something, woman.
She sings a dated song reasonably well – and that’s why I have grudgingly put her so high.
She has shirtless dancers. Tramp. There are close-ups of the dancers’ bums to try and make the whole thing more entertaining.
The judges love it and Dannii tells us all that an Alexandra concert would be fun. Even her 10-minute slot on the X Factor tour will be dull so I think Dannii is being too effusive here.
I’ve so little to say about this woman.

5. RUTH – “Find my love, my dolce vita”
In her VT, we learn that Louis liked Ruth’s slutty dress from last week. He says this is why she’s still in the competition. Be quiet, woman. You loved her last week. Louis’s forgetfulness here was probably caused by all the distracting fashion chat.
Also, Ruth has a cough and this will make it harder to sing. I am as over this excuse as Simon Cowell is.
Ruth sings reasonably well with her strange accent. But she doesn’t sing brilliantly, she doesn’t sing Blondie and we don’t see her underwear. So Diana 3 – Ruth 0 this week. Her dress strap falls off near the end. Tramp.
The judges were unenthused but thought she tried hard. It’s nice to be nice I suppose.

6. JLS – “Slam Dunk da Funk”
On their VT, they talk about the vibe and say ‘proper’ because they are gangster.
They’re wearing stupid multi-coloured outfits again but thankfully they don’t explain like Aston likes Blue, Marvin likes green etc. etc. etc. like they did last week.
It’s worrying that 4 people singing together make less noise than most of the soloists. And that they get drowned out by the backing track.
The judges love it. I don’t agree but I will admit and agree that it was the group’s best performance yet.

7. EOGHAN – “All I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I’m inbetween”
In his VT, Eoghan says last week was a change for him because he enjoyed singing for once. What a negative nelly. I guess singing about pet rats and worlds without religions or rules really takes it out of him.
Simon picked Could It Be Magic for him to sing which is what he gave Leona a few years ago. Ha! Eoghan is the new Leona!
Will Young explains Eoghan has a soft voice but a soft voice isn’t necessarily a bad voice, it’s just soft. These masterclasses are ace. I really want to go to one.
Eoghan sings and we discover he’s not the new Leona and that a soft voice sometimes is a bad voice. He is very flat.
The judges said it was very High School Musical and it appears this is a good thing. Simon said there were off notes and this was not a lie.

8. RACHEL – “Defecating on your microphone”
On her VT, Will Young tells her to stop shouting constantly as this doesn’t show any light and shade in her voice. Rachel tells us that she could be Will Young in the next few years. Ha! Rachel is transitioning? This would explain the hair and why she is so angry all the time.
During the song, Rachel shouts constantly and doesn’t show any light and shade in her voice. That masterclass was a bust. She is a foghorn.
The judges are less than happy. Simon said it was clumsy and gimmicky. Louis said it was ‘pretty average.’ This is actually a much smarter comment than it sounds. Note the use of adverb ‘pretty’ – Louis is saying that not only is Rachel average, but she’s somehow found a way to be averagely average.
She’s in the bottom two and sings No More Drama. She is not hilarious and demented the way Mary J Blige is when she does this song. Instead, Rachel sing-shouts again, looks beyond furious while doing so again and sounds like a nasal foghorn again. She’s allowed to stay because she has a ‘raw talent.’ Jesus wept.

9. DEADWIFE – “And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven”
He’s going to meet Mariah Carey next week. He’s going to sing Without You or One Sweet Day or any of her other ballads that are sort of about having a dead wife.
His VT reminds us the judges hate him. His performance reminds us why. I will give him credit for finding a Disco song that is sort of about having a dead wife and saying ‘no, don’t leave me this way!’ but I hated it. He winks and grins and the singing is not good.
He also pervs on, or ‘interacts with,’ the ladydancers which shows he’s getting on with his life. Good for him.
Simon says ‘this has got to stop’, i.e. you should be eliminated for being rubbish, but grins while saying it because he’s clearly loving this. Louis isn’t as witty about Deadwife being rubbish this week and this is disappointing.
This has got to stop.

In other news, my parents are very upset that Austin has left. They do not enjoy Deadwife’s winking. I have not pressed them about why.