Thex Factor 5 - Ooh, I Wanna Die

These are the salient facts before we begin.

1. Last week there was a SHOCK ELIMINATION.
Someone sang very poorly and ended up in the bottom two. Keen blog fans will note the eliminated fat girl was in my bottom two too and that’s really saying something as I’m all about the divas.
She didn’t get enough votes and then was less good than Beautiful Spanish Ruth in the sing-off. SHOCK ELIMINATION. SHOCK ELIMINATION. What a load of rubbish.

2. This week was Best of British week.
This sadly stopped Beautiful Spanish Ruth from doing any Shakira but didn’t stop her from being awesome. More on that later. The Best of British didn’t necessarily mean songs by the deceased as Amy Winehouse and Coldplay counted. I found this week a little dull: couldn’t they have done less canonical songs? A song can be very good, or even the best, without being played at everyone’s weddings and office parties.

3. There are judges, contestants and also other people that I barely mention.
There’s this presenter called Dermot who looked better with the shaved head. He says God Bless at the end of the show because he’s not doing a school assembly and so he’s allowed. He also points out that Ruth isn’t British, defends JLS, and calls the Prince of Wales Sir. He’s not a Knight; he’s a Prince. This should be clear. Dermot’s less good this series.
There’s this woman called Yvie who teaches them all how to sing and there’s this man called Brian who teaches them all how to be dance / be danced at by whorish women. More on this later. Brian says very useful things in the VTs like ‘if x struggles to sing, remember the lyrics, dance or stand there well, x’s performance will be very bad.’ It is a shame he’s not a real judge.

4. We have a guest columnist this week.
This week’s guest columnist is called Matt. We are like BFFs and everything in the way that Laura and Diana were like BFFs and everything. Except we don’t hate each other. There are vacancies for future guest columnist spots – please see the job description on the previous post.

5. Leona was on.
She was beyond awesome. She sang her cover of Run off of that Radio show where people do wacky covers. It’s a big shame she didn’t do any masterclasses because what she doesn’t know about pleasant wailing isn’t worth knowing. It was the best X Factor performance since Leona did Bleeding Love last year. She got her knees out.
[The performance was good, the knees didn't do so much for me. – Matt]


On with the rankings….


1. RUTH – ‘Underneath your clothes, there’s an endless story’
Before she performs, Dannii calls her Rock Chick Ruth Lorenzo. This is not her name. Her name is Beautiful Spanish Ruth. Or Lorenzo, Lorenzo. Dannii is failing me this series.
On her VT, we see Ruth and the twins being saved. We see Ruth taken over by terrible survivor guilt because that fat girl went home. It is sweet, and further reveals that Ruth is lovely, but ultimately – whatevs – the fat girl isn’t dead. The VT also shows Ruth looking over the Beautiful Mediterranean sea and thinking about how much she likes to sing. Her heaving bosom is very concealed on the VT: I wonder if it’s because Jimmy Carr calls her Titty Spaniard on that show? Don’t hide them, Ruth. Then he wins.
She sings Angels, which I hate, but she sings it awesomely from the first line and this takes the edge off. She’s singing with a lovely but raspy tone, which makes the whole affair less MOR. The wailing is impressive and very pleasant. There’s also rather hilarious choreography which involves these interpretative dancers flailing around her, then wrapping her in sheets to make big angel wings. It’s very literal and I like the literal.
The judges love it and emphasise that she deserves to still be in the contest, SHOCK ELIMINATION notwithstanding. The figure 110% is mentioned and then Ruth weeps because she’s very grateful for everything. She’s ace. I think there should be a Best of Spanish week just for Ruth. I might start backing her to win.
[I make that a 10% week-on-week improvement for Ruth – Simon said she only gave 100% last week – how did the lazy foreign not get eliminated for that?! – Matt]

2. ALEXANDRA – ‘Easy like Sunday morning’
On her VT, Alexandra speaks of her Mariah week awesomeness and says afterwards she ‘felt like Beyonce’. Even though it was Mariah week. Ha! I wonder if Mariah spat at her or something because that was quite a diss. It was the first of many this week.
On the VT, we see Mamma Burke who gave Alex whatever she shook on disco week. We are also told that her performance will be ‘no frills’ and that this is a good thing. I’m not convinced. ‘No frills’ has echoes of ‘budget.’
She sings a ballad with about four lines and sings it very well. She has a lovely tone unlike that fat girl who was prone to making strange, shrill noises. It always stays the right side of dull but it probably strays nearer to that border than anyone would want.
Simon flirts with her because he’s single and wants a new girlfriend he’ll never marry. Alex is less scary than Sinitta so I approve of this match. Alex appears grateful and generally comes off well. She is much improved.
[The flipside is, you get funny outfits with Sinitta. I'm not sure what Alexandra brings to the table apart from being unfailingly polite, all "It was great" and "I really enjoyed it". Maybe she's been at the Leona Lewis School of Media Coaching. – Matt]
[Oh my god, your comments on Alex and Leona were so amazing. I feel really blessed and lucky. Thank you so much. - Thex]

3. JLS – ‘I love you more today than yesterday’
On their VT, JLS went home to the soundtrack of ‘You Are Not Alone’ because they were not alone. They were with people. I’ll say it again – I like the literal.
One’s Mum said ‘we’re so proud’ and her son seemed to say ‘me too’ back. Ha! Apart from that, their home visits were a bit toothless.
They’re doing a Beatles medley because they are the Other Fab Four. Double Ha! JLS are the new Beatles! Please. Louis tried this with Eton Road two years ago and only I enjoyed it.
The vocals are not bad but medleys are inherently lame and some of the transitions don’t work. The little one reveals a new talent for moody growling though so it is not a complete loss.
Dannii quite rightly said it wasn’t the right music for them as it’d never be on their album. A Beatles medley isn’t gangsta enough for JLS. Any fool can see that. Cheryl said the Beatles were the best British band ever which is a clear Girls Aloud diss. I’m sure at least one of her bandmates thinks they’re the best band ever and not just in Britain. Simon Cowell said it was gimmicky. It was my favourite of theirs because I am a sucker for moody growling. I didn’t enjoy it lots but they are third because this whole night was a bit of a bust.
[The best thing about JLS this week was after it ended, and Louis did that thing where he claps like a deranged seal. – Matt]

4. DIANA – ‘The bitch is back’
On her VT, we see Diana being ill and being a cheat and crying a lot. It’s a fix. It’s a fix. It’s a fix. Laura to win.
Diana says she doesn’t want a free pass and wants to compete. She has moxie.
Diana goes back to school and rather awkwardly says it was ‘like looking down on her old life.’ Ohmygod she looks down on people. She’s a bitch. She’s a bitch. She’s a bitch. Laura to win. Sign my petition.
Diana’s performance seemed force this week. The yelping has got a bit old and she didn’t seem to know what she was singing about. Possibly because the song (Yellow) isn’t actually about anything. It picked up a bit when the pleasant wailing kicked in – and the handflapping was top drawer – but it was her worst performance yet by far.
The judges acknowledged it wasn’t her best performance or vocal. Simon said he missed her last week. As did I. The only nice comments from the judges were related to her past awesomeness rather than to tonight’s performance. Hopefully she’ll sort it out for next week.
[Diana's been one of the stronger acts up until now, but this was awful. It was like watching her channel that bint out of The Cranberries. I'd quite happily forgotten that band, thank you very much for reminding me Diana. Oh, and before the ads, Dermot said she was 'itching' to get back. I don't doubt it with that hair, god knows what's living in it. - Matt]

5. DEADWIFE – ‘Oh oh you better stop before you tear me all apart’
Deadwife is on first because they clearly want shot of him. On his VT, we learn he’s from Leyton and I will take it on trust that this place really exists. I’m confused because I thought he was Australian and not from this ‘Leyton.’ Either way, his accent is bizarre.
On his VT he hugged his Mum and Louis’s heart grew two sizes that day. Oh and Brian says if Daniel’s performance goes badly, it will be bad. True that.
He sings Tom Jones next to a car made for midgets and there is more whoring around with lady dancers. These dancers are wearing JLS-style different coloured matching outfits. It’s fair to say that Deadwife is not committing to the choreography, even when his jacket is ‘sexily’ peeled off him by the lady dancers. His vocals are a flat and wobbly, especially when he has to sing staccato.
The lady judges are positive. Louis acts like a bitter old queen. Simon said Deadwife was like ‘a drunk dad at a wedding’ but this wasn’t a bad thing. Well, it’s not until the lawsuits come.
Deadwife is in the bottom two and is a good sport about it. He sings Bridge over Troubled Water well for him but not as good as when Rhydian or Leona done it. There was some pleasant belting though.
He goes home and I’m a little sad because he hasn’t been last on the rankings that often and because that sow is still around. Plus, I’m more inclined to believe he wasn’t exploiting the backstory by choice because he hasn’t mentioned her for a while. Bye bye Daniel: you get your real name back now that you’re a civilian.
[Those dancers really didn't have any flair, but I'll blame the black hole of charisma that is Daniel for that. Cheryl's only thought was that Daniel did well to get out of the aforementioned car. - Matt]
[Ha! I know. Cheryl though beautiful and not a racist does struggle to patronise people politely. – Thex]

6. EOGHAN – ‘When I grow up, I wanna be famous’
On Eoghan’s VT, he goes back to small-town Ireland where there are no premieres, celebrity masterclasses or girls who dance. His brothers all look like him and are either very nice or very well-trained. Eoghan is scared after the SHOCK ELIMINATION last week because it shows that great singers are leaving. Oh Quigg, if the good singers are leaving, this bodes well for you. Stop your worrying.
He sings a George Michael ballad that I don’t know as it isn’t Praying for Time or any of the hilarious 90s dance ones. This song isn’t Too Funky for anyone. (Someone really should have done Too Funky. I will when I get through to the final 12.)
Eoghan sounds nervous and whispery and there is a very silly high note. That said, the belting was fine.
The judges are positive and praise Eoghan for not doing easy songs. Louis Walsh says ‘you’ll be in the final’ as if this is huge, unexpected praise. Walsh, this was established weeks ago. Probably around the time Eoghan sung that song about a pet rat. Now it’s us, now it’s we. You remember. Cheryl tells Eoghan: ‘you scare me for the final.’ Eoghan doesn’t scare me and I’m much less hard than celebrity thug Cheryl Cole. We’ll assume she means ‘I’m scared Eoghan will beat Diana or Mamma Burke’s daughter.’ I’m scared that will happen too.
[Eoghan turned X Factor tradition on its head this week by singing for his sister who has been born. That's no way to play the game, boy! Loved the VT as well, which played Home by Westlife (who are Irish) as Eoghan (who is Irish) WENT HOME! Yet more literal genius from the production team. – Matt]

7. RACHEL – ‘And I am telling you I’m not going’
Please go, you dreadful woman.
From her VT, we learn she’s doing it her way again. Because last week went so well? When she was out of tune and cried during and after the song? We also learn Rachel doesn’t live in the X Factor house because she has kids. Why did they make Daniel do it then? Hasn’t he been through enough? She’s infuriating.
She sings You Know I’m No Good, which was her audition song. It’s unfortunate she’s doing the same song as it doesn’t add to a sense that she can sing many songs well. Its title is also unfortunate what with her being in prison and what with her being no good almost every time she sings.
I watched the show with my guest columnist for this week and we both laughed when she sang her first line. The vocal doesn’t work on so many levels. It’s very affected in that she wants desperately to be Amy Winehouse. But also she’s doing weird Shirley Bassey notes. And she whores around on the judges’ table. This does not scream ‘credible recording artist.’ It screams ‘Bluecoat with an attitude’ and we already had one of them. He drank in Shayne Ward’s pub so he at least had something going for him.
Cheryl said she’d buy Rachel’s album. She has more money than sense. And there won’t be an album so it’s silly praise. Three judges love it for whatever reason and Rachel does a mad shout-out to Hackney. As you do. Louis Walsh said it was a bit Stars In Their Eyes. Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be shit.
I just don’t get it.
She’s in the bottom two and takes it better than last time. She says she’s singing ‘One Love’ by Mary J Blige, meaning she’ll be singing ‘One’ by U2. Ha! Bono diss!
She does a weird bouncy arrangement of it and Simon rightly says it was disposable. She has no idea what she’s singing and no idea of what to do with her voice. She stays.
[The opening was indeed ridiculous. She tried to do Winehouse with a kind of jaunty enunciation. It just made me think she was planning a crime and giggling at it. Then 'One' sounded like someone had punched her in the face and she had no teeth. Of course, if that happened, she'd sail through to the final on the story. In real life though, I'm convinced she'll go next week. – Matt]
[I agree. There can’t be much more air left in this shouty balloon. Can there? – Thex]


In other news, my Dad is losing interest in the X Factor and becoming ever more posh. If he misses the show, he doesn’t bother to watch the repeat if he knows who’s been voted awf. I think he's pissing away his chance at being a guest columnist with that attitude.