Thex Factor 4 – There Can Be Miracles

These are the salient facts before we begin.

1. The contestants are at #1.
It is a cover of Mariah Carey’s Hero, which is about a Hero lying in you. So it’s either about self-esteem or a conjoined twin. This cover is for charity and so emphasises the first of these two options. It’s sold a lot.

2. It was Mariah Carey week.
The whole thing was awesome. I do like Mariah Carey very much. I know all the words to all the songs. Obv. This will give everyone a remarkable insight into sexuality and behaviour. I’m sure many Undergraduate theses have been devoted to the correlation between divas and faggots. Thing is though – I don’t have a lisp and I wasn’t abused as a child so, as stereotypes go, I’m happy with ‘ooh he likes Mariah Carey.’
There were two performances by her and she had enormous hair all night. There were also masterclasses where Mariah said she liked everything. She sadly didn’t tell anyone to stop shouting or stop being emotionally vacant so these masterclasses were less useful than Will Young’s, which were rather jolly good.
The much-vaunted duet with the contestants on Hero turned out to be more awesome than I had predicted. The duet basically involved MC singing Hero by herself and then the contestants coming out in white at the end and singing backup. Without microphones. Ha!
She is the coolest person ever. I’m sure Leona Lewis would have given them all microphones, an affirmation and a bag of vegan fudge but a true diva doesn’t give a mic to these dickheads.

3. Diana wasn’t there.
On an overblown VT laced with epic music, we learn she had laryngitis so she couldn’t rehearse, she couldn’t meet Mariah (which apparently she was bothered by) and then this photogenic doctor said she couldn’t sing at all.
Diana was upset and to prove this cried hot, Mariah-loving tears.
This is all a big a shame as she would have been very much in her comfort zone. Mariah Carey week demands big hair, pleasant wailing and constant hand-flapping and little else.
She gets to go through automatically which is a bit off. I think people should’ve still had to vote for her and they could’ve shown one of her auditions or something. Still, Diana for the win!


With extra special Mariah lyrics for one week only, let’s get on with the rankings….


1. ALEXANDRA – ‘I can stand up once again’
On her VT, Alexandra was considerably less boring this week. She spoke of her success during disco week and said she ‘shook what [her] Momma gave her.’ This made me like her. A bit.
She meets Mariah Carey and is a bit fangirl but at least doesn’t try to touch her constantly. Mariah is an odd mix of scared and bored, her facial expression like that of a drunk being groped. Alex is very happy with this masterclass and says ‘dreams can come true.’ Yes, there can be miracles when you believe, hold on tight, don’t let go and a hero lies in you. We get it.
She sings and is awesome. The song builds subtly from ‘moody’ mid 90s diva growling to ‘powerful’ mid 90s diva wailing. The arrangement is very good also and doesn’t draw attention to the fact that her little X Factor snippet is two minutes shorter than most versions of this song. She also does her own runs rather than copying Mariah’s, which is even more impressive when you consider how many times Alexandra has probably sung along to Mariah’s version.
(I have listened to Without You probably a thousand times. I used to put this on in yellow pubs to annoy the students. It’s not on there anymore. It’s a great shame.)
There’s a lot on the Internet and in the papers about Laura’s SHOCK ELIMINATION injustice this week but Alexandra’s performance just highlights how bad Laura was. Hers was right for the all the same reasons that Laura’s was so wrong.
Alex is the only contestant to get a standing ovation from the judges. Rightly so. She also gets compared to Whitney, Mariah and to Toni Braxton, the forgotten 90s diva.
I had written off Alex but I have faith again. Well done her.

2. RUTH – ‘And it’s just like honey’
On her VT, Ruth is lovely and Spanish. But we discover she’s backtracking a bit on the whole ‘Don’t make me your token Spaniard’ thing by becoming a sexy Senorita for the night. Tramp.
When Ruth meets Mariah, she gets a bit emotional and to prove this cries beautiful, Mediterranean tears.
She sings My All, which I’d have given to Diana if her voice wasn’t busted like a bad weave. It’s one of Mariah’s quieter songs but it’s still a bit big for Ruth. She should’ve done a more acoustic version so this would’ve been less of an issue. Turns out Ruth can only belt pleasantly when doing male rock songs. More on that in a few paragraphs.
The judges appreciate that she’s trying and that she’s good, if not awesome. Simon makes at least one joke about her boobs, which are very big and very present this week. We then learn that she sang with Mama Lorenzo’s scarf draped on her chair.
Sadly the scarf and a good performance aren’t enough to save her from her bottom two.
She sang Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door and it was a bit like her cover of Purple Rain in that
1. it’s better than any of the songs she’s been told to sing
2. it’s sung most famously by a man
3. she shouts well during it
But Purple Rain was a surprise because no one knew she could shout so very well. The judges save her, except for Laura’s not racist mentor. To clear things up - Simon and Louis did NOT save Ruth because she was less of a threat to their acts – Diana has been on her winning lap for weeks. Ruth sang and shouted more pleasantly than Laura on both songs. I’ve no time for this SHOCK ELIMINATION injustice nonsense.

3. EOGHAN – ‘And I learned many things little ones shouldn’t know’
Eoghan is first up tonight. This is surprising as people who perform first are more likely to end up in the bottom two and I imagine Simon would like Eoghan to do well.
On his VT we learn Eoghan had fun disco dancing with girls on stage last week. He says he’s ‘never done anything like that before.’ I know the ‘I’m a small boy from a small town with a big dream’ thing attract votes but come on – there are girls who dance in small-town Ireland. I call VT bullshit.
In his Mariah masterclass, he gets called pretty. Ha! Eoghan is made so sexless every week. You know he’s going to do a Dirrty in a few years, and dance in piss water, to shake off his squeaky clean image. He’s singing tonight for his baby sister, because family is everything etc. etc.
His performance is better than it should be. He sings Anytime You Need A Friend which is a big song and involves trying to sing over a big gospel choir. I assume their mics were turned down because Eoghan somehow achieves this. There are impressive runs and tuneful quiet bits.
The judges love it and rightly so. It’s a song I skip when listening to Mariah, reading fashion magazines and rimming bikers but I enjoyed this performance. Plus, a sixteen year-old boy singing Mariah well is impressive.
Louis doesn’t like his hair though. Queen.

4. DEADWIFE – ‘And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven’
No, your eyes do not deceive you. Deadwife was good this week. He didn’t sing any of the many Mariah songs about death. He didn’t mention his dead wife and he sang a love song called Open Arms that is about hugging someone who’s alive and who you might not even be married to. Viva la Deadwife!
On his VT, we learn he has all the Mariah records. I do too but this doesn’t make me like him much more. We also learn that he can’t do key changes. Again, this doesn’t make me like him much more.
He sings with a hilarious, burning forest graphic backdrop. It is a bit earnest and a bit dated but that said, when he’s not grinning, winking or eulogising, he’s not that bad. I actively enjoyed it and I’ve had little time for Deadwife so he’s truly earned this illustrious fourth place.
The male judges were a bit snippy but even they acknowledged it was a lot better than normal. Cheryl said it was ‘my best performance of yours,’ which is hilariously self-obsessed praise. Simon said it was ‘Ok’ and Deadwife said ‘that means so much to me.’ Deadwife clearly has my Daddy issues. This would explain his owning so many Mariah records and the fact he enjoys a mean man calling him ‘ok’ so much.

5. JLS – ‘When I talk smack, y’all better skip back’
On their VT, they make fun of Louis and this disappoints me. They’ve gone from rudeboys to just plain rude boys this week. Shame on them.
They sing One Sweet Day because they are the new Boyz II Men. In their masterclass, one tells Mariah that he fancies her because he has little understanding of social interaction. She’s a married woman.
During their performance, they are very nasal and their voices are very thin. They look up to Heaven to make the complex lyrics about Heaven easier to understand. You can’t hear them at times.
The judges love it bar Cheryl who thought it was all a bit Westlife. Ha! Simon thinks they’ll make the final. I agree with both judges. Louis makes a bizarre Obama reference because the X Factor has never had a black president. I think that’s what he’s going for. It doesn’t make any sense what with Leona Lewis winning and everything.

6. LAURA – ‘No I’ll never forget you, I’ll never let you out of my mind’
On her VT, we are reminded that last week Simon intimated she was fat and dressed poorly. She was very hurt and to prove this cried fat, poorly-dressed tears.
She plays the piano, which is ambitious on Mariah Carey week. It proves she’s an artist etc. etc.
She sings Endless Love and so is one of four contestants to sing a Mariah song that Mariah didn’t write. Cover of a cover alert!
The first half has a few bars of pointless piano-playing and has a lot of high notes. This was ill-advised as Laura’s voice kind of disappears, and her diction becomes dreadful, when she goes into vibrato. The first half doesn’t work.
The second half has her shouting but not disco rocker Diana shouting and not emotionally-wrought, Hispanic Ruth shouting. It’s an affected girl shouting for no reason and stretching her face in very ugly ways. The second half doesn’t work.
These two halves together are completely incongruous and put together make the whole performance seem completely fake. It didn’t work.
Simon said it was old-fashioned and one of her weakest. I agree and not just because Simon is always right.
It turns out singing badly didn’t attract many fans and Laura made a SHOCK appearance in the bottom two. She sang Over The Rainbow and it was no better. That song’s also a really overdone one on these shows and choosing it was rather shameless way to please Simon.
They go on about Laura being The Voice but she sang without power, subtletly, expression, clarity or individuality. So why is The Voice worth listening to? I say the Emperor had no clothes tonight. Or at least, the Emperor was fat and poorly-dressed.
Laura was shockingly eliminated in a SHOCK ELIMINATION and I was glad because Ruth was better.

7. RACHEL – ‘I got a motherfuckin’ heater ready to blaze somebody’
On her VT, we are shown Rachel giving 110% at being a twat. She has a big tantrum – with whining and stomping – and is generally mean to beautiful popstar mentor Dannii Minogue.
In her masterclass, Rachel speaks of her great problem being controlled by her beautiful popstar mentor and how this is the reason why she’s so shit most weeks. Mariah Carey empathises as she has been controlled in her career too. Ha! Dannii Minogue is the new Tommy Mottola.
Rachel spends her song about to cry. She is hoarse and she is shouty. Being shouty during Mariah Carey this week is pretty hard to achieve but her and Laura managed it. She looks glassy and her voice is shot.
The judges like Rachel’s personality – it’s unclear why – but didn’t enjoy the performance. Cheryl said it was uncomfortable watching someone who’s uncomfortable. Rachel has a tissue ready and is very upset. She proves this with vote-courting, Minogue-hating tears. She is not in the bottom two.
I think it’s fair to say Rachel won’t win. I will also hypothesise that there’ll be no album and that she’ll struggle to get work in musical theatre.


In other news, my parents weren’t bothered by this week’s SHOCK ELIMINATION. Austin going was a ‘travesty’ but Laura going is fine because my Dad thought she had ‘a rubbery face.’