These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It was more of the same
More drama! More prossy! More pleasant wailing! For the first half of the show that is – it was just more performances. We got to hear everyone we wanted to and more. So Katie who I already ranked highly for being a covert bitch in my last post actually sang this time.
2. Announcements were made
They packed a lot into this hour and ten. They even managed to fit in a rule change whereby being 28 is officially old, not 25. Well done, producers. If only you could fit more of value into the auditions weeks. So as well as the new auditions, we were given the names of our final 32.
3. The girls are: Katie (covert bitch), Kerrie (filler), Racquel (fodder), Treyc (from last year), Annastacia (from two years ago), Rebecca (the whisperer), Cher (the badass rudegal) and Gamu (who becomes a hunchback after her name is called and then collapses into Dermot’s catholic arms). No vice girl Chloe – shame.
4. The boys are: John (no idea), Nicolo (diva), Paije (Louis's pet), Aiden (Gayface), Marlon (black Shayne Ward), Karl (no idea), Matt (who is good) and Tom (who is Welsh.) Harry is rejected at this stage but for some reason the cameras follow also-rejected Liam around even though he is transparently shit.
5. The oldies are: Steve (the househusband), Yuli (the Dutchwoman), Storm (and his Charisma Unique Nerve and Talent), Wagner (the red Indian who’s only really appeared on ITV2), Justin (orange gayface), John (?) and Mary (fat checkout lady). There’s an eighth person in this category but she is not named due to terrible editing and/or counting by X Factor bigwigs.
6. The groups are: Twem (French jedward), The Reason (boy band), Diva Fever (the Proud Marys), FYD (boy band), Princes & Rogues (boy band), Husstle (girl band). Because there wasn’t enough talent in this category they’ve also cobbled together a boy band and girl band out of contestants rejected in the proper categories. This means Harry and Liam still stick around in a boy band and no girls of interest stay around in a girl band.
7. The judges get their categories
Cheryl gets all the girls, she gets all the girls. Dannii has the boys, her previous winning category. Simon is stuck with groups while Louis definitely picks the short straw with the old people. Cheryl will probably win unless Matt suddenly becomes sexy. Here’s hoping he does.
On with the rankings…
1. GAMU – ‘This is Anti-Auotune’
We see her audition without autotune and it sounds way better. Big surprise
Her version of ‘Make You Feel My Love’ is pretty much perfect and pisses on the really very good versions we heard from Annastacia the other week and Katie this weekend. The wailing is excellent and her voice breaks in a positive, Vickersian way. There’s a power note that’s somehow really a whimper that floats away to nothing. Someone in the audience cries and so does Louis. The Jesse.
2. NICOLO – ‘Diva is a female version of a hustler’
Nicolo definitely wins points for personality by bitching about the Bootcamp experience. He says ‘the air conditioning is crazy’ which is exactly the sort of thing that Nikki Grahame or myself would complain about. And that’s not a good thing. He also says ‘they don’t call it boot camp for nothing’ which amused me as surely he’d know from gay porn what boot camp is really like. He also chooses to spend his time with the coaches bitching he doesn’t have a mic stand. On stage, he’s doing Life on Mars and he’s quite good. He builds his performance and somehow manages to be heard over a very loud band. The producers must hate him because the loudness of the band was at a ‘sabotage’ volume rather than ‘incompetent mixing’ volume.
3. DIVA FEVER – ‘Big and strong, enough to turn me on’
My inner child is confused and my inner snark is infuriated when these proud Marys walk on stage. They tell us they are ‘Friends’ and have known each other for a few years. We must assume they’ve been more than friends after a few poppers. One is wearing a croptop because he’s got confused again and thinks that being ‘the woman’ during anal means you are actually a woman. The manliest thing about them is their eye make up.
Onstage, one minces around and shrieks about how different they are. Arms flailng, voices piercing. Yes, they’re clearly very different. There’s nothing as different a flaming queer.
They then do Lady Gaga because there’s nothing as different as a gay who likes Gaga.
They’re so, so strained and high pitched. Officially, Gaga is more man than the pair of them. I bet they’re too girly to dance around in blood too. I’m very worried they’ll be in the final 12.
4. AIDAN – ‘And if I’m ugly then so are you’
We see a VT of his first audition where gayface, closed eyes and shouting were the order of the day. And not even lovely tuneful shouting like we’d get from a Clarkson or a Lorenzo.
Aidan appears to have Rihanna’s haircut circa 2008 and we learns he’s doing This Year’s Love which is one of my favourite songs. I hope it shoots up the iTunes chart.
Brian Friedman tells him to open his damn eyes.
His version is very whiney and involves a lot of grimacing and lipshaking Then he forgets the words. Ha! His eyes of course stay clamped shut and he grabs at his shirt buttons like a twat. Then hops a bit. The consensus from the judges is that he needs to open his eyes. I think he needs to do a lot more but then I think Cher Lloyd is shit. I clearly know nothing. JERUSALURM!
5. REBECCA – 'The Voice Within'
It seems to be very deep within with this girl. Imperceptible even. Rebecca’s first audition featured weeping, closed eyes and what could most generously be described as whimpering instead of singing. On the plus side, she wore lovely pearls.
Vocal coach John Modi wants her to get out her brilliant voice. John Modi clearly suffers fools far too gladly. In her rehearsal, she sounds dreadful. There is no beautiful voice to get out. Oh and to top it all off, she has swapped her nice pearls for enormous hideous earrings.
She tells us that she ‘should continue on in this competition’ The phrase ‘continue on’ appears in every episode of America’s Next Top Model. Maybe she thinks she’s on that show? That would explain why she’s not attempting to sing well.
She does Corinne Bailey Rae as sung by a drunk. It’s whispery and whimpery and slurred and strained and shrill. She gets very sharp very easily. Simon oohs and aahs about her recording voice. I think she’d have to work hard to have a record-over-it voice. Still at least, she doesn’t rap. OPRAH! BELLS! RING-A-DINGIN!
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