Thex Factor – Auditions 2 – ‘Better late than never, but never late is better’

Some salient facts before we begin...

1. I miss Holly Willoughby
Like the deserts miss the rain. Or like I miss desserts in the rain. In case you’ve never bothered to complete your evening’s entertainment with a trip to ITV2, Holly used to present The Xtra Factor. She was genuinely amusing and sweet and yet racy. Like a primary teacher with a past. Oh how I loved her. Konnie Huq has replaced her and is genuinely dull and cold and yet needily wet. In fact, she has the same personality as the soulless presenters Charlie Brooker has made a career out of insulting before using the word ‘cunt’ ‘gouge’ or ‘anus’ in the next paragraph.

2. I miss Dannii too
Everyone’s favourite antipodean judge is off having a baby. So we must cope with guest judges. This week it’s Katy Perry. She has massive eyes and scary cleavage. Even when it’s covered, I know it’s there. Also she seems a right dick. On ITV2, she uses the word 'likableness.' She’s making me not like the only song of hers I like. Alas, Perry is not really as big as Geri Halliwell so her flashy montage doesn’t have much to boast about. 30 Million Singles Worldwide. Oh Wow. Considering she must earn a penny a download, she must be a very rich lady. (God, what are they going to do when it’s Pixie Lott? One Silver album?)

3. I hate montages
There are just so many of them at this stage. One features ‘I Like It’ by Enrique, the world’s most desperate song. I can’t even say the title ‘I Like It’ out loud because that would be a lie. There’s a good montage of groups though. There are boys doing the Saturdays. There are girls doing a mashup version of Walk Like An Egyptian. There are girls and boys doing a Gaga medley. When you have mashups and medleys in a montage, you hear so many songs in so little time. The X Factor becomes a Girl Talk album!

On wit da rankinz blood…..

1. ANNASTACIA – ‘Da da, da da, Dude looks like a lady’
This is going to be a hard one to spell. The best contestants have easy to spell names – Leona, Joe, Shayne, Rickkiy. Annastacia was bad a few years ago at judge’s homes. In her VT she tells her daughter, and by proxy tells us, ‘Never give up on your dreams.’ Oh I did, Annastacia and I’m fine. At least that’s what I say through gritted teeth when people ask.
As she gets ready to sing, Simon says ‘Image is absolutely dreadful. Dreadful.’ I don’t know if she could hear that because that would’ve been quite offputting. She sings Proud Mary. Simon says a tranny could do better. Ha! Simon is now my favourite judge. She is made to sing another song and remove her shoes. It is Bob Dylan’s ‘Make You Feel My Love’ which she says is by Adele. It is very lovely. Her family blub backstage. Then she loses me. Her voice is all over the place towards the end as if she’s doing impressions of four divas at once. Simon calls it cabaret. I agree. He says he wants to scrape her or scrape the cabaret off her or something of this nature. This comment gives him an Ed Gein vibe. Or makes me think Annastacia will be made to put the lotion in the basket around week 2 of the liveshows.

2. MATT – ‘But only if I were a painter’
Third Eye Blind is used on his montage. Oh ace. I want to hear some Barenaked Ladies next week. Or Matchbox 20. Or Marcy Plaground. There just isn’t enough 90s college rock on X Factor.
In his VT, painter/decorator Matt goes on about paint and magnolia and brushstrokes. This is a boring sob story. It is almost as shit as Ben Mills complaining about building marquees or when The Fat Girl Laura bitched because the judges didn’t like her. He sings Winehouse and he’s a bit whiney and awkward. Louis calls him on his awkwardness. I was convinced he was about to forget his words, what with all the pacing and sweating. He ranks second because the show has given up showing me good people.

3. THE REASON – ‘I can take it on the chin and say boys will be boys’
‘I just wanna make love to you’ is played during the VT for these “hunks.” I love how X Factor takes its cultural references from old adverts. They’re not even attractive – well two of them definitely aren’t. And the ok looking one is unemployed which doesn’t bode well for a future together. Their VT is boring. “Jls are good and rich and groups never won blah blah”. They do a barbershop cover of Cheryl Cole and think they’re very clever. They are not. This is like track twelve on an old Backstreet Boys album. Or a stupid Live Lounge cover. Oh how I long for Miss Fitz.

4. MARY – ‘The green, green grass of home’
Old checkout lady Mary wants to be a legend like Shirley Bassey. Or Tom Jones. Ah, she wants to be Welsh. This won’t help her win the Irish vote. Though Jedward are huge there despite having weird American accents. She’s doing I (Who Have Nothing) by Tom Jones. Or Shirley Bassey. Oh Why doesn’t she just move to Wales then? She seems very Britain’s Got Talent. There’s a strange club singer accent. The shouting is barely acceptable, even taking into account that it’s a shouty song. The audience whoop and stand and go batshit crazy because they’re pigshit stupid. Dermot is misty. I am not. Katy says she is brave and different and admires the effort. She’s such a playground bitch. Just say you didn’t like it and then call her fugly, Perry. All the judges love it even though it’s awful and has been done so much better on one of these shows.

5. TEMPLE FIRE – ‘So hard for it, honey’
In case those lyrics were too obscure, let me say that Temple Fire work hard for the money. By which I mean, they rehease a lot. They rehearse for five hours a day. sometimes up to six hours. Oh I like the accuracy of this. None of this “I work 24/, it’s all I’ve ever wanted, I don’t even stop practising to poo, I’ll die if I can’t go through” hyperbole.
On stage, I like them less. They have tiny voices and are doing Wham. They seem ill-rehearsed which is ironic. I take it back, six hours isn’t enough. Simon says they’re not taking it seriously. Katy Perry shrieks “tell the truth, ginger.” Cheryl doesn’t want to be there. I think for a second this is the episode where she almost dies. But sadly we must wait.

6. MICHAEL – ‘Cos you are not alone, I am here with you’
Michael feels the spirit of Michael Jackson and has decided to dress like him. Michael is out of tune in a strangely tentative way. The judges criticise and the audience boo. He tells them they have no love in their hearts or lives. He says they’re very negative. While telling them off. In what must be a plus for him, he works in Boots. I bet he loves the discount on make up. And probably tampons. Just to see.

Kisses,
Thex