Thex Factor – Auditions 4 – ‘A Pessimist is Never Disappointed’

We gon dash da salient facts in the girl's face

1. The quality has improved
Ellis-Bextor was right. I expected lemons and instead got kind of flat lemonade. This week we got to see in full several good auditions. By people who don’t seem to be dicks. This could be a fluke. Or it could be that like last year the good auditionees will go the way of Miss Fitz, Daniel Pearce or Althea Gaye. Time will tell. And even if the show takes ten steps backwards, at least we’ve got the prossie’s audition to look forward to.

2. The X Factor is bigger than Jesus
Or this is what the opening intro would have us believe. There are clouds, choirs, sepia-toned pictures of the most successful contestants. There is also the fabulous news that Alexandra used to sing at Bar Mitzvahs. Mazel Tov. I so wish she’d sung at the ones I’ve been to. Or that she did Dana International songs when asked.

3. The editors bum montages.
So hard that at least one banjo string will snap. The montages are a way of showing us two lines of good singers, thus making it more infuriating that we see more footage of the gaptoothed audience. The montages are also a way for the editors to use played-out and/or inappropriate backing music. Case in point, Mika’s Happy Ending is used for a montage about people getting yeses and having a happy ending. Sample lyric: ‘No hope, no love, no glory, No Happy Ending.’

4. The guest judge is Pixe Lott
Now I like Mama Do (Uh Oh Uh Oh) as much as the next homosexual but I’m just not sure Pixie has the credentials to be a judge. The overblown intro with the CAPITAL LETTERS saying HOW VERY SUCCESSFUL she is was meant to sway me. I was expecting lots of filler (REEDY VOICE - TEN THOUSAND ALBUM SALES – you get the idea) but then there was mention of awards and a double platinum album. I call bullshit about that last point. We must find a charts geek and confirm this.

And those rankings? What are they?

1. TOM – ‘A working class hero is something to be’
It’s hard to tell if this (legal) young Welshman is attractive or very fug. He has huge bags under his eyes that make him look a bit like a vulture. A happy vulture though, like the Scouse ones in The Jungle Book. He says there’s not much work where he’s from and he’s worried he’ll be poor forever. But based on what he’s wearing, there’s a branch of River Island in this hellhole so there’s some positives for him. Ooh, on stage Sixth Form rather than college. He’s so clearly middle class -
the scrapheap sob story is a lot of shit. He sings The Script in an American accent. I thought The Script were Irish and sounded vaguely so. He sings really very well, especially compared to the shit we’ve had all year. He also moves confidently around the stage, but not maniacally. The judges disagree and say he moved too much. Simon says the performance was dated and could have been five years ago. Except The Script are quite current I thought. He then decides to sing some musical theatre. Ha! Way to ignore Simon. The second performance is of a very naff, big ballad and as current as Ryan Quinn doing Shakespear’s Sister. It’s so schmaltzy that I thought Simon would fall for it but he says no to the best singer this series. I started writing ‘the others say yes and all is well’ but then Pixie says no while grinning ear to ear. What a bitch. Louis and the audience jeer. Then she changes her mind. She was faking she didn’t like him all along, wasn’t she? She is as as good as an actress as she is a singer.

2. PAIJE – ‘If at first you don’t succeed’
Paije is a stocky young man with a boxing manager’s hair. I thought Paige was a girl’s name. Apparently a J makes it butch. Who knew! He sings Fly Me to the Moon and it’s very pleasant and effortless and not too boring. There is even a scoobedydoo bit which stops it being too boring. Simon looks bored – possibly by the not too boring pleasantness of it all – and stops it. Louis loves it and praises the vocal. Cheryl doesn’t love it but can’t really explain why. Almost if she can’t remember her lines. She grins and says no. Almost as if she finds lying difficult but sort of fun. Simon says no convincingly. Louis and the audience try to convince the others to change their mind but Paije strolls offstage without begging. There’s a dignity to Paije that I look. Louis then walks offstage to wish him well and give him a chance to re-audition with something comtemporary. It is all very sweet and very staged.
Second time round, he’s doing James Brown. I like these young men who refuse to be an old man’s version of contemporary. I preferred his Sinatra but there is no denying that Paije is a good singer. Though being made to re-audition puts him in the same group as Steve Brookstein and Lloyd Daniels. Eww.


3. NIKOLO – ‘Tu vuò fà l'americano’
This Italian with an American accent brags about how good he is and how he doesn’t think much of Madonna, Lady Gaga or Miley Cyrus. He’s sort of right about one but still it seems very arrogant and a terrible way to ingratiate yourself to the voting public. He rolls his eyes and tilts his head and snorts whenever he’s asked a question. Louis asks why he’s here and his reply begins with ‘it’s kind of obvious,’ which is how the very supremely douchiest of replies begin. He sings A Song For You, which it is worth noting was Brookstein’s audition piece. He sings with a lisp like he’s on Eurotrash. He squats when he sings big notes like he’s about to do a big poo at the same time. It’s a bit overblown and the vibrato could knock out a loose filling. Cheryl thinks he’s charming and thinks he has an Italian accent. Cheryl is clearly a poor judge of character and accents. All the judges call him a big diva. I see their diva and raise them a dickhead.


4. BUN ‘ND CHEESE – ‘I followed the voice you think you gave to me’
This gobby girl band want to spread the word and be like the Sugababes. Those godly, godly Sugababes. They call themselves Bun ‘nd cheese. Or, I think, Patty and Picky and Peas separately. They don’t enunciate well so this is merely a good guess. Simon deduces that these are not their real names, though he is equally staggered when one says her real name is Ebony.
They forget the words and don’t even bother to fill them in or ask to start again. The only words they seem to remember are Listen, which they whimper every ten seconds or so. Because they don’t even sing, or move, they can’t even offer any amusing bum notes. The judges think they’re rubbish and were probably doing this for a joke. Bun ‘nd Cheese don’t quite understand and then leave the stage without hitting each other. The scally girls last week set the bar so high for bad auditions. Why were we made to watch this?

5. KASH – ‘A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly’
Stayin’ Alive is his VT backing music. He rambled on like a nob about how he models and wears white gold. See, novelty backing music and rambling during a VT used to be the editors politely warning us they weren’t going through. That was until Stacey rambled on like a retard to a novelty song and then turned to be out to be good. For a while. Kash is a mobile salesman. And doesn’t he just look like one. I bet he tells colleagues how much commission’s he earned after work in the Slug & Lettuce. He says ‘yeah let’s make some music’ just before he sings Ne Yo. Ewww on all counts. The music he makes is not good and the judges turn him down. Back to the Slug & Lettuce he goes to talk targets. Hopefully they’ll give him a burger on the house for his troubles.