Thex Factor – Boot Camp 1 – ‘Many have used her and many still do’

These are the salient facts before we begin…

1. It’s Boot Camp bitches
But without pregnant Dannii or malaria-ridden Cheryl. Too bad, so sad. I didn’t miss them this week. The show without them was awesome – easily the best of the season. And also, with them gone, Simon got to call them ‘lapdogs.’ Don’t believe me? Start watching 19 minutes in. This episode ruled on high. Elbow were not used as backing music – instead we got Muse, Joshua Radin and The Veronicas. And even the montages were well-executed and informative!

2. This episode had the following brilliant idea.
Everyone in each category did the same song. I know what you’re thinking – that happens anyway. Every year, someone does that song about how they’ve acted out their lives in or on stages. Every year, someone butchers Winehouse. Same shit every time blah blah blah. However, this time it was on purpose! The girls do Beyonce, the boys do Jacko, the groups do Starship (because nobody likes the groups) and the oldies went Gaga. It was an excellent way of seeing who could sing in tune (Harry) and who could scare the shit out of a vampire (Cher). It also allowed the editors to do some fun montages where we saw all the contestants sing no more than a line. They spent literally twelve seconds on the groups. I counted. Simon comapared the Oldies to Star Trek. Star Trek aliens or Star Trek fans? It’s not clear what he meant. Anyway the contestants are all different ages and weights and races and some are big band singers and some are opera singers so, yes, when you shove them all into a montage, they will look a bit weird.

3. Then the contestants had to dance and sing
First, they had to dance in a big group to Lady Gaga, which wasn’t judged but was still watched by judges who passed judgements. Hmm. Next was the singing and Thex would have you know that the show featured some brilliant auditions. And some not so brilliant. And some fascinating and divisive auditions. More on them in the subsequent rankings. But at least the show is getting interested. And they’ve mainly got rid of the sob stories in favour of following a whore around while she embarrasses herself.

On with the rankings…

1. MATT – ‘If I were a painter, I would paint my reverie’
I remembered painter/decorator being alright when he nervously auditioned with Winehouse a few weeks ago. I even ranked him second without being overly mean.
In his sort of sob story, he tells us he lives at home, which is ‘not ideal.’ I love how they’ve moved away from life-destroying traumas and disabilities to the ‘not ideal.’ Just as I worried he’d been eliminated with no fanfare, he appears and sings Roberta Flack. With lots of runs and falsetto and the most pleasant wailing. But it all makes sense and doesn’t feel showy and most importantly there is absolutely no shouting. I got misty but that may have been the wine. Matt for the win! For now.

2. KATIE – ‘Stop your bitching cos you’re so sad’
Katie receives second place for three main reasons. First, I still like her for calling Louis ‘Sir’ during Auditions. Second, she wins the “Harry from the other week” award for vocabulary by saying ‘daunting’ in a posh voice. Third, she says the following: “they’re all Beyonce-ing it out and I’m just a bit like [horrified face.]” She’s so above everyone and I loves it. In other news, she channels Amy Winehouse during the ‘same song for everyone’ round and is much better than her nearest rival Gamu, who in turn is much better without the autotune.


3. HARRY – ‘Disposable teens, disposable teens’
Harry appeared every ten minutes or so on this show to be adorable. His five seconds of Michael Jackson was probably the best we saw. He danced without embarrassing himself. His cover of Leona doing Oasis wasn’t so great but it was infinitely better than Liam’s. At least Harry kept his eyes open. And didn’t look terminally ill. Welsh Tom (who was made to sing twice then rejected then saved during some very staged business with Pixie Lott the other week) was praised for his dancing but little else. I think Harry has the cute teen place in the final twelve sewn up.

4. STORM – ‘Fuckin’ posers’
Aged rock star Storm won many many cool points when he told Simon he’d wow him with his Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent. For those of you who struggle with acronyms, Storm just Simon he wants to show him his cunt. He then does Guns N Roses karaoke but it’s not bad at all. Even that gay duo are dancing along in the audience. Simon likes Storm's voice but says he wants to put it in someone else. I think every man who's met Storm would rather put "it" in someone else.

5. MARLON – ‘Everybody, they love a winner’
Marlon featured heavily in tonight’s show without really doing anything dramatic like forgetting his words or being a 100% English Yorkshire Slut. He must be in the top twelve to get that sort of edit. This makes him one to watch I guess. He has Shayne Ward’s exact speaking voice and a singing voice that is sadly no more interesting.

6. THE BAD DANCERS – ‘Just dance, gonna be ok.’
Teenager Zain has a big old strop because he doesn’t like dancing. Possibly because dancing is well gay. Anyway Simon somehow notices that someone from a group of a hundred and missing and knows the missing boy’s name through quick deduction. We are to believe this is not at all staged and I’m almost convinced as Simon is a much better actor than Pixie Lott. The other dancing drama comes from checkout lady Mary who has arthritis and “trobbing” knees. She makes up for her terrible dancing by shaking her tits onstage, earning guffaws from the judges and a place in Thex Factor’s heart forever. This whole dancing business was the doing of sacked judge / ‘Artistic director’ Brian Friedman. He makes demotion seem so glam! He wears a green hoody paint suit thing with his chest showing. He tells us he’s wearing something skimpy to make a statement. And that statement is ‘daddy issues’

7. TOBIAS – ‘It’s sad, so sad, it’s a sad sad situation’
Clothing store manager, and the man responsible for that overstretched audition = job interview joke, Tobias forgot the words to Man in the Mirror. Even when everyone singing around him is doing the exact same song. What a div. On this show, that’s like forgetting your ABCs. He weeps to Dermot. Then later to us. But not when he’s been eliminated. Funny that. I guess when crying no longer helps your cause there’s no reason to do it.


8. CHLOE – ‘You doin’ ho activities with ho tendencies’
Vice girl Chloe went out partying the night before Bootcamp. She tells us: ‘I feel sick and I can taste vodka.’ The poor dear. Tis pity she’s a whore. Anyway, her shouty Beyonce cover is much better than any of her three audition songs. But it wouldn’t be anywhere near good enough to keep her in if she didn’t have such a wonderful homelife. Or if she didn’t make the other contestants look so much better by comparison. She makes the various trampy girl groups (of which Husstle have the shittest name) seem as virginal as Louis.
Anyway, she’s lightly scolded by the vocal coach and by Dermot for not working hard. She seems convinced she is though, which is odd as you’d think an alleged whore would understand the value of money. She tells Dermot ‘She can do what she wanna be’ and he seems fine with this. I hope the grammar is better on her adverts because otherwise she’ll put off a lot of pedantic potential clients. For her second audition, she wears a bikini and white heels. Oh and she’s attached her nametag to her thigh. She is awful but I desperately want her to stay around so I can make more whore jokes.

9. CHER – ‘I'm some wigga who just tries to be black’
When Cher is made to be Beyonce, she suddenly becomes Shirley Bassey. And it’s not too awful. When she is allowed to be herself, things go very wrong indeed.
We’re shown her original audition and I don’t know if they’ve cut to an unflattering bit but it seems really awful. The scary faces. The stomping. The offkey singing. I think Cheryl only likes her because she’s scal.
She tells us she’s taking a risk by adding a rap to her audition. She has a black man encourage her, which makes it all fine I guess. She raps poorly without rhyming then does an N-Dubzian cheap rap cover of Coldplay’s Viva La Vida. She yells Jerusalem in a way that Westwood would, but we knoew shouldn't. Then she sings crazy. And looks crazy. Her version includes lyrics like ‘Long live da king’ and ‘Ring-a-dinging.’ Surely guest judge and actual black person Nicole Scherzinger must find this really offensive. When she comes offstage, Dermot looks really embarrassed for her. Oh Cher, when Dermot finds a whore more palatable surely you can see you’re doing something very wrong. JERUSALURRRRM