These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. They crammed two judges into the body of one
Whilst Dannii is off experiencing the joys of motherhood and Cheryl is off experiencing the joys of malaria, Nicole Scherzinger is the guest judge for two nights of diverting TV. She is approximately a millionth as cunty as Katy Perry and infinitely more vocal than Natalie Imbruglia. She is by far the best guest judge, not least because she’s trying to steal Cheryl’s job. I bet she gave the gutterthug malaria somehow.
2. It’s the end of auditions Oh and it’s been a right laugh really hasn’t it? It were dead funny when the freaks couldn’t sing.Etc. Etc. In all seriousness, it’s been better than last year when the offensiveness of the live audience was too fresh and too much. Some dreams have been crushed, some eyes have become mad and staring, some have been turned into Robo-Cher and a fat girl has struck another. I will be saying to “Who are you, may I ask?” for many years to come. Shame there have been no auditions worth listening to on repeat.
So many rankings to get through...
1. HARRY – ‘I know that she knows that I’m not fond of asking’
I hearted Harry from beginning to end. His jumper was very nice. He is well-spoken and uses the word picturesque to describe his Cheshire hometown. He does so sarcastically but not snottily which is really hard to manage, especially when you’re a teenager. He looks exactly like one of the Kooks and wears an indie scarf, which is arsily tied twice. The editors are clearly unable to cope with this cornerless Indieness and use ‘House of Fun’ as the backing track because that’s as Indie as they get. Harry turns out to be barely indie at all and sings Stevie Wonder in a kids Stars in their Eyes voice. His diction is very weird, as he sings Eeesnt She Lovelee, but there is at least some potential here and charm. Harry tops this ranking with ease but I hope Boot Camp offers some more contenders.
2. MARLON – ‘If I were your woman, here’s what I’d do’
Marlon’s first memory of music is being given a Tina Turner video and wanting to be Tina Turner. This is not something to admit. Especially if leg shaving was involved in the preparations. Anyway Marlon now has kids so it was obviously a horrible phase and he’s turned out socially acceptable. Bravo, Marlon. I want you to teach me how you did it. He sings Ain’t No Sunshine with an arrangement that is very similar but far less good than this. The judges then tell him it was very original even though one of them has already seen the better, very similar version twice on American Idol. Marlon is flat in places and scary in places and pleasant in places. He seems to be every X Factor audition merged into one. Except he didn’t elbow his fat friend in the face. Shame.
3. AIDAN – ‘My baby’s got a secret’
Aidan receives lots of whoos from the girls in the audience who, based on Aidan’s enormous gayface, are quite clearly wasting their time. He tells us he’s practised by doing ‘a few weddings.’ I bet he sang while the volley vonts were handed out. He pulls the stupidest faces while singing Gold Digger with his eyes closed. He turns into a dirge but I suppose this is ‘making it his own.’ Louis tells him he has his ‘own kind of swagger.’ I guess a swagger based on looking terrified and not looking anyone in the eyes and ruining a fine song. I’d love to turn my swag on like that too
4. REBECCA – ‘I was born by a river, in a little tent’Even though Rebecca is all woe is me and I’ve got two kids but zero confidence, she could at least take solace in the fact that she wasn’t born by the river, in a little tent. And that when she goes to the movies, goes downtown, people aren’t saying don’t hang around. (Or maybe not, that’s a pretty good sob story for X Factor.) Anyway, Rebecca is very down on herself and sings Sam Cooke with her eyes closed and in a tiny, ‘current in 2007 when Amy Winehouse was big’ voice. She sounds a bit like past contestant Laura White after she’s been starved for several months. Or a midget Duffy.
Anyway the judges go easy on her and tell her to be less nervous. Simon says her vocals are right on the money, which I think is just not true any more. If Norah Jones, Dido can’t sell anymore, or the Winehouse successors like Paloma Faith and Adele never really did, what chance does this wimp have?
5. YULI – ‘In the port of Amsterdam, there’s a sailor who sings’ The judges insist on calling jolly fat Dutchwoman Yuli Julie and she doesn’t seem to mind. The overweight can be very good-natured like that. And greedy. Anyway there’s a bit of talk of how Yuli’s not English but the judges steer clear of any ‘fuck off home’ talk. She sings A Fool in Love (last covered by the world’s ugliest heartthrob Olly Murs) and it’s fine and the wailing is pleasant at time but it’s nothing to write home about. Or, write more about.
6. TOBIAS – ‘I've been looking for a new direction’
Tobias is a clothing store manager, who’s 20 and has had about 20 jobs. Yet he’s become a manager very quickly. Something is afoot here, sob story detectives! Anyway his VT is basically a conceit whereby he compares X Factor to a job interview with a good prize. Onstage, the judges continue this complex comparison in case it was lost on anyone. In fairness to them, I imagine it would have been lost on Cheryl. The only jobs she knows are ‘singer’ (me) and ‘bathroom attendant’ (my victims).
Even though I was almost called Tobias, I can’t get on board with this weedy thing. He sings Your Song with a Hull accent, which I’m sure you’ll agree is not a charming combination. He also sings in a shouty voice, which I’m sure you’ll recognise is not very unusual for this show. He’s very flat when he’s not doing runs, which I’m sure –Oh forget it. He’s sort of crap and as such has the potential to finish as highly as second on this show.
7. DIVA FEVER – ‘I’m spinning around, move out of my way’
Louis Walsh just lights up when these orange fairies prance onto the stage. Literally – he had been shot in black & white by the editors in a way that was quite amusing. They are called Craig and Joseph but the latter is so gay that the name comes out like Josie. (Can you do a ‘too gay to enunciate’ voice? It’s very fun. Try saying train, lawn and Maths!) They mince around for a while singing Proud Mary in reasonably good voice. One of their friends is so gay that he ends up looking like a lesbian. (Can you make a ‘so gay you’re a lesbian’ face? It’s very fun. Try choosing a packet of cous cous or playing tennis while you do!) Louis of course puts them through by saying ‘Of course, I’m saying yes.’ Simon tells them they have to make themselves stand out. I think this means they’ll be in drag at boot camp, doing Lady Gaga. Jesus wept in advance.
8. RICHARD – ‘Serious Richard, why do you frown like you do?’
This audition was one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen on the show. It was relentless – the Vera Drake of reality TV auditions. Richard is a pub singer and in his VT he seems alright. I wrote this in my notes – ‘seems alright.’ He may have some crippling personality problems that I could rant about in future weeks but we’ll never know and will just have to assume he is as alright as he seemed.Simon briefly pretends to sympathise with pub singers and how hard it is to make a living now that the credit crunch has weeded out clubs that people didn’t want to go to. He then tells Richard to pick the best song and pander to the idiots in the audience. Richard decides to pander the audience, ‘have fun’ and sing Higher and Higher. Ewww. Though the singing is okay, or exemplary compared to celebrity munter Olly Murs, there is a huge amount of mugging and extended shots of Simon looking absolutely furious at being ignored. Al Green’s How Can You Mend A Broken Heart comes on and it takes minutes (that feel like hours) for all the judges to say he was rubbish and then say no and for Richard to walk offstage. He weeps for most of this and it is no fun for anyone.
9. CHLOE – ‘Hold up – what would you do?’
Oh Chloe, how I have longed for you to make an appearance. Sadly there is no mention of her being an ALL CAPITALS TABLOID STYLE VICE GIRL. (I would have loved it if she’d made that her sob story, like Andy Abraham did about being a bin. Perhaps her teary-eyed mentors could’ve said a few live shows in ‘you might suck cock for a living but that performance didn’t.’ Instead she tells us she’s never really fitted in. And yet it is so easy to fit in her. In both bottoms. She looks exactly like Ke$ha which surely goes to prove how trampy that toilet-dancing, Whiskey-teethbrushing Ke$ha is. Chloe does a terrifying shouty cover of Summertime that makes Ruth Lorenzo seem the model of subtlety and restraint. She shouts so much a garish fake eyelash starts slipping down her face. Also, the slut isn’t in tune and keeps repeating odd phrases over and over. She then tries Underneath Your Clothes, as sung by Shakira’s pet goat Cueve. Her eyelashes fall off and the audience boo her even though most of them have had more in them than Chloe. She vainly tries a third song, that I’ve never heard of, and it is no better. The "100% English Yorkshire Slut" cries and pleads and promises that she’s a good singer. The whole thing is the most glorious trainwreck. I think they let her through there’s a good chance she’ll hit someone.
10. HAZEL – ‘You used to get it in your fishnets’
Slutty pensioner Hazel is heaps of fun and could be described by this simple Maths equation: Nessa from Gavin & Stacey + Sharon Osbourne + ineffective counselling = Hazel. Her VT backing music is ‘Dya Think I’m Sexy?’ which I think is the editors making fun of her. But truth be told, she’d be much better in bed than most of the contestants. She flirts with Louis – we assume for the LOLs – and then namechecks him in her version of The Best. She dances like Chas and/or Dave. I will give cool points out to anyone who can tell me which is which. Did she go through? I didn’t write it down. Let’s assume No but wish her well with all her endeavours.
11. DAMIEN DEVINE – ‘Put on your red shoes and dance the blues’
Damien quite rightly feels that he has a very cool name. The alliteration is cool. The contrast between being the Devil’s child and being Godly is cool. Sadly, this is where the furthest extent of his cool lies. He sings poorly and does very bendy dancing. The judges lapped this shit up from face-like-a-punch Olly Murs but don’t like it this time. Maybe they’re jealous of his name. I know I am.
Next week, the judges are going to ‘turn up the pressure dial’ by making the contestants sing in front of a much smaller audience. I don’t think the makers of the show know how a pressure dial works. Bless them.
Kisses,
Thex Devine-Factor
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