These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. We have a guest judge
For part of the show anyway. And it’s Natalie Imbruglia. You know her, she sang Torn and other hits that weren’t as good as Torn. She’s so pretty that Simon pervs and tells her how pretty she is. She’s so pretty that, as Simon’s saying all this, we get to see an awesome shot of jealous Cheryl Cole drenching herself in make up. Ha! Natalie looks a lot like Dannii Minogue so it’s a comfort to see her. Oh and she’s here to report back to Dannii. She’s practically a mute but she’s a billionth as irritating as Katy ‘Funbags’ Perry.
2. There are auditions in London and Newcastle
Even though this information is repeated a lot, it’s hard to remember where this is all happening. Erm, besides Hell on Earth. I’d much rather go listen to ma Elbow alburm etc etc etc.
3. This show used to be good
Why would I bother writing this blog if it never was? The fact it legitimises my ‘career’ in ‘writing’ isn’t the only reason. No, the show was for many years a pleasure to watch and get all excited and huffy about. Leona and Alexandra and Brenda and Beautiful Spanish Ruth singing the shit out of things was good. ‘With or Without You’ was good. ‘Phantom of the Opera’ was good. Rooting for Same Difference and Eton Road even though it was never going to work out was good. Even Maria Lawson getting kicked off was good because it angered the blood. Oh but now. But now. It has now been three episodes and one whole series since there was someone who (a) made the finals (b) could sing and (c) I really liked. (Though a grudging honourable mention must go to Joe and Jedward, who at least fulfilled two of those criteria each last year.)
The rankings one more time…..
1. ABBEY & LISA – ‘Mama said knock you out’
Their VT is a frantic one. They may be best friends or they may be sisters. Even though one’s much taller, they’re both of similar weights. They talk very quickly and do not seem to think before doing so.
For example, onstage, one of them says Louis is fit but the other says he’s an old man. Oh, Simon helpfully asks if they’re friends or sisters and they answer they’re the first. They say like and randomly and I don’t know a lot so despite talking so quickly, it takes them a long time to say anything. One politely asks the audience to stop laughing at her idiocy. The audience boo and then the same girl hollers SHUT UP. Some of the audience look horrified while some continue booing. The hypocrisy of booing someone for bad manners is probably not lost on Natalie Imbruglia, who is clearly a very smart lady. The girls walk off then walk back on. They sing Shayne Ward who, thanks to his family, is a role model for thugs everywhere. Their timing’s really off and only one sings. It should be a bog-standard, last-place on the rankings bad audition if it were not for what follows.
The one who bothered to sing tells the judges she doesn’t care what they think, before the judging part has even taken place. The mute one then says she does care. The loud one says it was difficult being booed and then the mute one defends the booing audience and their right to free, unfettered expression. They both say ‘at the end of the day’ a lot. The loud one is rude to Imbruglia, asking ‘who are you?’ which infuriates the audience and then – quite excellently – makes the mute one elbow her in the face. Backstage, the mute one vents that it was bad form to insult the star guest judge. The hypocrisy of assaulting someone for bad manners is probably not lost on Natalie Imbruglia, who is no stranger to moral nuance.
2. CHER – ‘If I could turn back time, if I could find a way’
Cher is very nervous backstage and I think at points gets her Mum to answer Dermot’s inane questions. She’s prim and middle class and yet bizarrely is called Cher. She lacks confidence and yet bizarrely is called Cher.
Cher is very nervous onstage and I think at points gets an insipid mouse to answer questions. I refuse to believe a real person could sound that squeaky and wet. She then announces she’s doing a Soulja Boy song I’ve never heard of. Ha! She sings out of the corner of her mouth like a ventriloquist. She sings about the hood and stomps menancingly and the Mum sobs backstage as if it’s all very cute. The vibrato is crazy and at times she gets very jazzy and at times she raps. The audience whoop and get on their feet. Even Simon is full of praise and doesn’t mention the fact that no one has ever heard of this song before. It was a mess. A horrid, horrid mess. I don’t get it. I have lost touch with the common man.
3. LES JEDWARDS – ‘Jedward’s back with a brand new invention’
There are more twins than ever this year we’re told. And of course, we are treated to a montage to “prove” this “point.” The Evans Twins are very sexy and Louis Walsh fancies them. Bejon are not but Louis Walsh fancies them. Defying logic, the latter group go through. But a montage is not enough for the editors and we are forced to watch some twins audition in full.
These twins are Twem, which means Twin in Arabic. The audience laugh at their names and accent. The camera pans to a dark skinned lady laughing also which makes it ok. They wear River Island scarves and dance around to Lady Gaga. Their accents are garbled, even compared to Gaga. They are quite bad but Louis looks like he’s about to rub himself. Or rub them. Cheryl dances a little in her seat. As long as she doesn’t sing a little, that’s fine. The crowd cheer but don’t stand up. I don’t think they give Standing Os to “towelheads.” Shame on them.
4. STORM LEE – ‘Cos you’re the Storm that I believe in’
Storm goes on in his audition VT about very little. I didn’t take notes so it’s gone now and will never again appear in print. Storm is old and American. He greets the judges saying ‘I was born in Edinburgh, Scotland.’ I hate when Americans add the country on the end. It makes it worse when they ask ‘Are you from London, England?’ Just call Edinburgh Edinburgh and London London! If there’s any confusion, or you’re talking to someone really stupid, you can say Edinburgh’s in Scotland or London’s in England afterwards. But don’t assume I’m stupid or have only heard of places in America. Gosh I’ve written so much and he’s even sung yet. Oh but there’s more and none of it edifying. Storm admits he was not born Storm, but has been legally named Storm since his stormy teenage years. Simon says Storm has a stupid name. Storm says ‘yeah but Sting says this show’s shit’ and then sings The Police. Ok then. He doesn’t sing it well. He’s doing Every Breath You Take, a song which will always remind me of New York. I was in a queue in a café for a businesswoman’s special. You know, for businesswomen. This song came on, and then all these other businesswomen in the queue started mouthing along to it. Then I had a bottle of Snapple. I miss America.
Storm’s version makes me want to stay away from America. Simon says he has a stupid name and refuses to call him it. He then makes him sing again. It’s U2 and it’s no better. Cheryl says Simon’s being rude what with refusing to call Storm Storm. I agree with Cheryl. It’s like calling a post-op by their old gender. I bet Simon does that though. Anyway, Simon continues to call him Lee and he gets three yeses. None of them deserved.
5. LIAM – ‘You know the world can see us in a way that’s different from who we are’
Liam got through to judges’ homes a few years ago and was ditched by Simon. Simon wanted Scott Bruton and Eoghan the Eunch instead. Which is I think like choosing between being drowned or being smothered. Liam famously looked up to Troy Bolton. You’ve got to admire someone whose hero is a fictional character. Or pity them as they’re bound to be disappointed by what real life offers.
Liam sings Cry Me A River (the ridiculous Buble Bond theme version) and looks terrified with huge eyes. He then looks possessed with huge eyes. He shouts in an American accent and stalks the stage in a very theatrical way. Theatrical as in ‘for the theatre’ and theatrical as in ‘in the theatre.’ His mother appears to laugh at him backstage. Ha! Cool points for her! The whole thing is weird and of course earns a standing ovation from the twats in the audience. Oh and from Simon and Natalie. I take it back. Imbruglia’s an idiot. Liam looks terrified after and giggles to himself. Simon gives him ‘one.’ Oh, sorry my mistake. That sounds a bit gay. What I meant to write is Simon gives him ‘one massive fat almighty yes.’ That’s much better.
Kisses,
Thex
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